- May 2012
- April 2012
- March 2012
- February 2012
- January 2012
- November 2011
- October 2011
- September 2011
- August 2011
- July 2011
- June 2011
- May 2011
- April 2011
- March 2011
- July 2010
- April 2010
- February 2010
- November 2009
- July 2009
- June 2009
- May 2009
- April 2009
- October 2008
- September 2008
- June 2008
- May 2008
- March 2008
- February 2008
- January 2008
- December 2007
- November 2007
- October 2007
- September 2007
- August 2007
- May 2007
- April 2007
- March 2007
- February 2007
- January 2007
- December 2006
- November 2006
- October 2006
- July 2006
- June 2006
- March 2006
- February 2006
- January 2006
- December 2005
- November 2005
- The Gray Gauche A.K.A. Stephanie I was hoping somebody else would ask about it, but I guess i...
- West I have many comments to make, so I hope all of you will bear...
- Shawn Hi Les - even as a young kid in the 70s, I was troubled by a...
- Les Thank heaven my grade school skipped that one. Have to say, ...
- Shawn Hi Matt, have at it. The images are taxpayer funded. Like th...
- Are Liberals More Intelligent than Conservatives? Another Broken Study Says It Is So (70)
- I Have A Crush On My Therapist. What Should I Do? (38)
- A Methodology Critique in Defense of Those Wascally Wepublicans (24)
- Should Psychologists Use Sliding Fee Scales? (19)
- How to Get Your Husband to Help More (17)
I Have A Crush On My Therapist. What Should I Do?
Q: What happens when a person gets a little “crush” on their shrink? - Michelle
Dear Michelle,
Assuming you have a little crush on your therapist – and I’m certainly not suggesting that you do – you wouldn’t be the first. In fact, the first recorded case dates back to 1882 when Sigmund Freud’s buddy, Josef Breuer, was conducting therapy with a patient named Bertha Pappenheim.
After two years of treatment that seemed to be alleviating Bertha’s hysteria (a catch-all diagnosis at the time), the patient professed her love for Breuer. In an act of pure class, Josef panicked, left town, and became the first recorded therapist to abandon his patient. (It was easy to blaze trails back then.) Freud later wrote the first paper on patients who fall for their therapists.
Since then, volumes have been written on the topic, sometimes in excruciating detail. Consider this passage, typical of those who dissect this phenomenon down to the molecular level:
“Traditional sociocultural gender stereotypes kept alive in fantasy can cause female analysts to subtly foreclose the impending threat of an intense erotic transference with male analysands due to a fear of outwardly directed male aggression. It is suggested that the maternal/containing transference can be unconsciously fostered by both analyst and analysand to defensively avoid expression of the aggressivized erotic transference in its full intensity.”
fghjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj
…I’m sorry, my head must have hit the keyboard when I dozed off.
When Freud first wrote on the topic, he warned us therapists against taking ourselves too seriously: patients don’t fall for us because we are a hot bunch of superfreaky love machines. (I’m paraphrasing.) Instead, they fall for an idealized version of what they imagine us to be, and the affection usually serves a purpose other than companionship.
Buirski and Haglund (2001) wrote of just such a case. The patient not only fell for her therapist, but also fantasized that he had fallen for her. “I want to make love with you,” Jennifer told her therapist, Theodore. “There’s a difference between sex and making love. Sex is a dime a dozen, right? Making love is like… is kind of like a symbolic culmination of everything.”
Now that’s titillating professional literature.
Jennifer’s affection was justified. For starters, she liked the way Theodore treated her. “Her therapist experienced genuine feelings of concern and care for Jennifer…. She had told him repeatedly how much she appreciated his acceptance and attunement. Also, she had talked about such personal characteristics as his sense of humor and his beard.”
Theo’s style may have lit the fuse, but those aren’t the real reasons behind Jen’s affection, Buirski and Haglund believed. Jennifer spent a good deal of time engaged in fantasy about Theodore – so much so that she even renounced alcohol in order to “immerse herself more purely in the loving feelings.”
During her fantasies, Jennifer was able to focus on something other than painful thoughts about her own inadequacy, particularly when she fantasized about Theodore loving her in return. (I must be lovable if he loves me, right?) While the authors didn’t explicitly make the connection, I can’t help but wonder if alcohol and love for her therapist functioned similarly: they each gave Jennifer a break from herself.
Initially, Jennifer kept her feelings a secret from Theodore. But as her feelings came to light, she and Theodore were able to explore the function of her fantasies, identify her feelings of self-loathing, and find new and better ways to manage them.
What’s ethics go to do with it?
Why wouldn’t you develop a crush on your therapist, Michelle? You’re sitting across from someone who is cleaned and pressed, on his or her very best behavior, and focused entirely on you. Compare that to the hairy-backed lugs that some of us keep at home – clipping their toenails over the kitchen sink and whining about the in-laws – and carrying a torch for your shrink seems like an obvious diversion. Just know that you’re not seeing the true person behind your therapist.
If your therapist is like Theodore, then discussing your feelings can be very therapeutic. Unfortunately, we’re not all like Theodore. Some therapists, for a variety of unacceptable reasons, take advantage of smitten clients. Somewhere between 20% and 50% of all successful cases against psychologists have been for sexual misconduct. That’s why my liability insurance is so dadgum expensive, and that’s why my mandatory disclosure form contains this line: “In a professional relationship, sexual intimacy is never appropriate and should be reported to the Mental Health Occupations Grievance Board.” Every time a shrink breaks the rules, another lawyer gets his wings.
Don’t let that discourage you, Michelle. Those rule-breakin’ psychologists are a small minority. Bottom line is this: it is not OK for a psychologist to take advantage of your affection. It will not work out well for either of you. But in the right hands, your feelings can probably be used to help you understand a great deal more about yourself. That, we hope, translates into a better life for you.
-IS
References
Bennet, B.E., Bricklin, P.M., Harris, E., et al. (2006). Assessing and Managing Risk in Psychological Practice. Rockville, Maryland: The Trust.
Buirski, P. & Haglund, P. (2001). Making Sense Together. Northvale, New Jersey: Jason Aronson, Inc.
Celenza, A. (2006). The threat of male-to-female erotic transference. Journal of the American Psychoanalytic Association, 54(4), 1207-1231.
38 Responses to “I Have A Crush On My Therapist. What Should I Do?”
Leave a Reply
look! a book!
Frustrated with your own mind? This book might help.
i have been seeing a therapist for 16 months I fell in love with everything about her. Shes a very Godly person and so very caring. At first i didnt think she was that attractive but after spending so much time together I felt very attracted to her. We went to a place to visit that i would have stayed at to help me with my problems and she drove her car and i drove mine while we were touring the facility it started to feel like she was my girlfriend and my feelings for her became real stron after that so after about 10 more months i told her i had feelings for her we had another session and i still told her how i felt so when i left instead of giving me a business card she told me to call when i knew my schedule for the next week i had a feeling that was my last session sure enough after i called her and scheduled a session for the next day she called me about 3 hours before and said she couldnt be my therapist.I was devestated to think that we would never have sessions like before to make a long story short ive been very very down and hurt thinking i may never see her again ive been hospitalized for the depression ive felt about this looking back i wish i could have saved the hurt but i wouldnt have missed it for the world. its painful yes but she was really great as a therapist
Hi Hurtbad. This is unethical behavior on the part of your therapist. I’m guessing she is not a licensed psychologist, as it is drilled into us that we are not to simply abandon our patients in this manner, without explanation, without the offer for a termination session, and without offering a plan to continue treatment elsewhere. She has the right to end the therapeutic relationship, but she also has an obligation to end this relationship in as constructive a manner as possible. I’m sorry she behaved that way.
actually she did set me up with another therapist to that i give her credit its just the fact she was more caring than any other therapist ive ever had and for that matter cant think ill ever find a more caring therapist it sort of put this new male therapist behind the eight ball he was recommended by her he was a friend of hers in college so as he says came from the same school of thought its just i feel really horrible about our relationship ending and feel lijke ive felt with so many other females that im a failure and knowing how caring she was that im really a failure also when i was being hospitalized i text ed her and said im going to the emergency room you used to care trying to make her feel bad but it only makes me feel even worse
Well obviously I shouldn’t have jumped to the conclusion that her behavior was unethical – sorry. It does sound like she ended therapy quite abruptly, though, and I’m wondering if she gave you sufficient explanation or an opportunity to discuss how to proceed with the next therapist. I’m glad you recognize that the new therapist is behind the eight ball and I hope you’ll be able to work through that with him, as well as find some closure to the relationship with the previous therapist.
Yea as they say time heals all wounds but this is tough i wish the relationship could have had a different outcome
She was truly a great therapist and person
She wasn’t great , because if she was she would have helped you get through that journey of loving her. By talking to you or you more or less talking to her about your feelings. Been there and working through it,because she is a great professional therapist.
I think if I didn’t tell her I would have had a break down and depression.
I can tell her anything and she is still here. Because, I realize what I feel for her isn’t what she feels for me. But the fact that she cares for me, who have a hard time loving myself. Helps me to hold on to another day. They do love us but in a nurturing or different way. Nothing ever sexual!!!
Her caring helps me to see that if this is just a little of the love God has for us wow!!! She knows I love her but I respect all boudaries. It hurts like hell at times but i know it will get better because she allows me to talk about it. And in talking about it i see in her eyes that she is there to help me get through it.
You can say that you truly loved someone once in your life.
Nice thoughts. Thanks for adding that.
Hi Shawn,
Glad I came across this site and your piece on “I have a crush on my therapist”. I am currently in this situation, and I think I’m pretty confident that I can tie in how I feel about him to the extensive neglect I’ve experienced in childhood. So, my question is, how do I know if it’s the right thing to do to bring up how I feel with my therapist? I really don’t think he’s the take advantage type as there’s been nothing in our sessions that would lead me to believe he would be, but I’m not entirely sure I can trust that he won’t completely reject me and send me elsewhere or abandon me. After a number of years together and the difficulty I’ve had in getting to the much better place I am now, I’m still quite fearful of the prospect of continuing without him should he not be able to deal with my feelings.
Many thanks.
Hi Another Michelle, I wish I could guarantee that he won’t abandon you. None of the psychologists I know would do such a thing, but that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t. I’d like to think that it is very unlikely, and that he would see it as an opportunity to help you work through the old fears of abandonment. I’d love to hear an update about what you decide to do. Shawn
I’ve had a crush on my therapist for some time now. It runs hot and cold. There are times I don’t have these feelings and times where I really do.
I had a session with him today and I can’t get him out of my mind. I’m too afraid to tell him about this. I’m just too embarrassed. But I have a good hold of the situation. I know that it’s transference and it is normal.
I know that I would never want to do anything to make it so we couldn’t have our sessions anymore. He’s been such a great therapist and I don’t want to do anything or say anything to lose him as my therapist. Even if I do have fantasies all the time about making love to him.
See, there I go again.
Wow, I thank you for this article! I have been reading them all night and this one just makes the most sense. I would love if you could give some input for me. My therapist is young and fairly handsome. But weirdly enough I just recently started having a crush on him. I am eighteen years old and I have been in therapy for a year. The fact that he was young and good looking made me initially uncomfortable when he would ask me to explain past sexual experiences that he knew were traumatizing for me, because it took me back to feeling like men are taking advantage of me, it is hard to explain but it wasn’t his fault. Anyways a couple months ago we started discussing things so difficult for me I basically just cry and grimace as I struggle to talk, and weirdly it has made me fond of him. Maybe because he doesn’t judge me or is kind and can calm me down and even make me smile. Also that he is going through this with me instead of just dumping on me like my other dynamics in my life, as well as the other things you said and more. I feel that I have a fairly good understanding of why I feel this way and why it is not feelings I should consider genuine, as in merits actual romance. So my question is I really don’t want to bring it up to him, I don’t feel like it interferes with our sessions too much and although we probably could explore it I think the embarassment would be too much, do you think it is okay to keep it from my therapist, or is that important to deal with it togetther? I really rather not and thinking about it brings me more distress then the crush by far
Hi Katerina, I guess it really depends on what you are trying to accomplish in therapy and whether or not it’s getting in the way. If you are there, for example, for short-term treatment for anxiety then maybe your feelings don’t really affect things and you have no more need to tell your therapist about them then you would tell your banker about a crush on him. On the other hand, if these feelings are impeding progress or interfering with you getting what you want out of therapy, then maybe it’s best to face the fear and discuss it with him. Good luck. I hope you’ll come back and let me know what happens.
Great article! Thank you for writing this, it helped a great deal with my own situation.
I can’t believe I am writing this but, what the heck.
I am developing a crush on my female therapist. I’m a 43 yr old male and she is about my age. I’m married to a woman who is also a therapist. I’m actually seeing her for sex addiction and all of the problems that revolve around that beast. I’ve been clean for about 12 weeks and seeing her for about 9.
We are doing good work and I am benefitting. My wife and I are doing great. The relationship is strengthened. However, I am finding myself attracted to her. Whether or not there is any attraction for me I have no idea. Obviously, nothing is going to happen. I’m married and I am quite sure she is married. Even if we were not, she seems far too professional and skilled to handle it inappropriately.
Nevertheless, I seem to still keep fantasizing about her and getting a little giddy when I think about her. I thought about bringing all of this up but have not. Now I wonder if I should. I would hate for her to stop our sessions like some people have mentioned here. I’m sure that my interest is not going to sway her but I am feeling immaturely torn as to whether to discuss this with her in therapy.
What are your thoughts?
Hi Mark, here are my thoughts: if she is indeed as skilled as you believe, then discussing this with her could potentially go a long way toward your recovery. If she’s a hack, well then it might be an unpleasant and unproductive experience for you. I hope it goes well. Check back and let me know, if you don’t mind.
Thank you, Shawn. I am mulling this over and will let you know what I decide. I am a little scared to do this but I do see how it brings a lot of my issues right to the forefront of the conversation.
Well, today I talked about my transference issues with my therapist. It was not so bad. She had no problem with it. I was more than a little awkward but she seemed quite comfortable. I didn’t spend too much of the hour on it – which was my hope. I just wanted to lay down the basic concerns I had to get it out on the table, so to speak. I told her that I has first really taken notice of the feeling when I was in session with her and felt like she understood me and what I was saying at the time. I told her I felt loved. I did not go into it too much further but hope to bring it up in session next week.
I feel even more absorbed in my feelings for her as they seem to be giving me a high – not unlike my other addictive behavior. The daydreaming about her is my current addiction. That I will bring up more in next session.
Hi Mark, thanks for the update. I’m glad it was a productive experience. I suspect it will continue to be useful to discuss it with her. Keep us posted, if you don’t mind.
It has actually been very useful already even outside of the therapy office. I have been able to notice patterns in my addictive behavior as I compare this sexual and romantic preoccupation with her to my addiction with pornography and other repetitive behaviors that I have used to produce intensity and distraction. In fact, by really examining this preoccupation with her I was able to identify some heretofore undistinguished cravings. I can really see and feel and experience the need for appreciation and love and intimacy that I am seeking. I discovered this today as I journalled about my addiction to her and I would be a fool not to take this into session with her. I am excited but also nervous. I know part of me actually believes this fantasy about her is real and that scares me.
Sounds like it is working out perfectly. Thanks for the update!
How are you doing now with this? I am just wondering because I am thinking about telling my therapist as well. I also have repetitive behaviors and get completely wrapped up in the thoughts of being with her.
Update: All is well. My therapist was walking to his chair, and I noticed how old he looked from the back. Then he said he had to go to the bathroom and practically ran out the room. After that, my attraction lessened. Basically, I found something unattractive and focused on it. Since my attraction was physical, this made it easier.
Awesome. I think I may end up telling her. Thanks!
Attraction to your shrink isn’t always “transference” or misdirected feelings. If I had met my shrink in any other setting I still would’ve been head over heels for him. He’s hot, man!
Good point!
I will always have feelings for my therapist even though I haven’t seen him for many years. I wish I could of met him in a different setting also… however I did not… and trust God that if we were meant to be I would of met him differently. He is a genuine person and kind man and will remain in my heart forever.
I agree with Cam-my therapist is very attractive, period. He makes me laugh, and sometimes I wonder what is the purpose of what we are doing. I’ve only been going for a couple of months, so maybe he’s trying to get mor background knowledge, I guess? Also, I think we might hang in the same social circles, so I would feel very embarassed to tell him I am attracted to him. Part of me wants to do away with the therapy and just get to know him as a person. Wow, it feelsreally good to finally admit this to someone. My attraction is purely physical, although he did say something to boost my ego. His words were 100% non sexual, and they did not discuss my physical appearance at all. They were strictly words of encouragment and his positive opinion of my character. Still, it felt good to hear his words, especially from him because he seems so confident and direct. I find myself widening the days between our sessions out because I don’t want to get too dependent on seeing him. I also find that my attraction might prevent me from saying some important things that have caused damage to me in the past. Sometimes I think that this is a need for validation, and if I knew he returned those feelings, I would immediately lose interest.
Any thoughts? Sounds like I need to talk to him, huh?
Hi Mary, it sounds like you already know what you want to do. I hope you’ll post again if you talk to him and let us know how it goes.
Hi,
I think I will tell him next week. I realized recently that I have trouble with men, and I need help with those issues. Realizing that has made my embarrassment lessen, bec my issue is not about him, but about issues stemming from my childhood. I am comfortable with that. I will update next week.
I know this is going to sound odd, but i’ve liked my therapist from the first day i went to see her. There was something about her that attracted me to her, and ever since that day I havent been able to get her out of my head, its been almost 2 years now. I brought it up one time in session but we didnt really talk about it because we only had like 5 minutes left and the next time i went to see her i didnt feel comfortable talking about it anymore because i felt like it would be awkward in there when im trying to overcome things that have happened to me. I didnt want to complicate my therapy, so ive been hiding it all this time, and also im bi, and not knowing if she is, is what is hurting so bad. I know she has a boyfriend, but i still never lose hope that someday i could be with her. I know it sounds so crazy for me(an 18 year old) to like my therapist (a 35 year old) but these feelings are real, and they havent gone away one bit. Somebody please help with what i should do
Hi Kelsey, I think the general consensus is that it would probably be useful to talk to her about it. You might be surprised what kind of therapeutic benefit it might have.
You’re right but Im so shy I don’t know how I would tell her. And talking about it would just be embarrassing. Bc she would know how much I like her. And she can’t so anything about it that I would want her to do
Oh I just found this thread and HAD to comment! I have been seeing my shrink for over 2 years, and from the first minute I saw him I was crazy attracted on a physical level. After getting to know him and his sense of humor and his odd little mannerisms, I’m attracted to him intellectually as well. After extensive googling and re-assuring myself that this is normal, I told him last week. I just said, “I know this is normal and I’m sure you’ve experienced this many times before, but I really want to have sex with you and I feel like the only way for me to move on from this is if we talk about it.” And he was great. the first thing he said was, of course, “It’s not going to happen.” Then, we explored the attraction and how it relates to my issues, blah blah blah.
You all MUST tell your therapists. It has happened to them all many times before and they are professionals at handling it well and making you feel comfortable. They won’t abandon you!
And it feels so, so good to let it all out.
So are you getting over the feelings for you?r therapist or are they still there?
I would really appreciate input from anyone who feels they can help.
I have recently completed six months of therapy during which time I have come to terms with a lot of issues and achieved a lot in terms of personal growth and well-being. Now seems like the natural time to leave therapy, I don’t really have much more to discuss, but as you’ve probably guessed I have ‘fallen’ for my therapist in a big way and am therefore resisting the idea of leaving therapy.
I understand the reasons for my feelings and that nothing is going to come of this but I am unsure whether I should deal with this just by leaving therapy and getting over her or by discussing it with her? Or with another therapist? Any advice or experience would be greatly appreciated!
I made myself leave therapy due to a similar situation as yours however I did reveal this to my therapist which took great courage. My feelings were getting in the way of my progress and wanted to grieve the pain asap so I could move on and it is 18 years later and I still care greatly for this individual. He had all the qualities I wanted in a man and I fell deeply in love but there is the ethical issue ofcourse. Please know that you are not alone and as indicated earlier I still think and care about this person and know I will for the rest of my life. He is forever in my heart.
Hey all,
I updated my post on here twice, but my first update I named myself “Lady.” I forgot what name I went by and made up a name. Sorry guys. But the post about seeing my therapist run out the door to go to the bthroom is me. The next update by “Mary” is me also. <> I’m still seeing my therapist, generally 2x’s a month, maybe 3x’s. My feelings have not lessened like I thought they would, even though I tried to find something unattractive and focus on that. I just saw him yesterday afternoon, and we had a good session. I still think I want to admit my attraction. The thing is, I don’t know if my motives are pure. I wonder if I want to admit it so that he would know “the ball is in his court.” Part of me really just wants to put it out there and move on, but like I said, my motives for being honest are not 100% pure. You guys’ thoughts?
Hi Mary, thank you for the update. My thought is, so what if your motives aren’t pure? If I waited for pure motives, I’d never get anything done