Q: What happens when a person gets a little “crush” on their shrink? - Michelle
Dear Michelle,
Assuming you have a little crush on your therapist – and I’m certainly not suggesting that you do – you wouldn’t be the first. In fact, the first recorded case dates back to 1882 when Sigmund Freud’s buddy, Josef Breuer, was conducting therapy with a patient named Bertha Pappenheim.
After two years of treatment that seemed to be alleviating Bertha’s hysteria (a catch-all diagnosis at the time), the patient professed her love for Breuer. In an act of pure class, Josef panicked, left town, and became the first recorded therapist to abandon his patient. (It was easy to blaze trails back then.) Freud later wrote the first paper on patients who fall for their therapists.
Since then, volumes have been written on the topic, sometimes in excruciating detail. Consider this passage, typical of those who dissect this phenomenon down to the molecular level:
“Traditional sociocultural gender stereotypes kept alive in fantasy can cause female analysts to subtly foreclose the impending threat of an intense erotic transference with male analysands due to a fear of outwardly directed male aggression. It is suggested that the maternal/containing transference can be unconsciously fostered by both analyst and analysand to defensively avoid expression of the aggressivized erotic transference in its full intensity.”
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…I’m sorry, my head must have hit the keyboard when I dozed off.
When Freud first wrote on the topic, he warned us therapists against taking ourselves too seriously: patients don’t fall for us because we are a hot bunch of superfreaky love machines. (I’m paraphrasing.) Instead, they fall for an idealized version of what they imagine us to be, and the affection usually serves a purpose other than companionship.
Buirski and Haglund (2001) wrote of just such a case. The patient not only fell for her therapist, but also fantasized that he had fallen for her. “I want to make love with you,” Jennifer told her therapist, Theodore. “There’s a difference between sex and making love. Sex is a dime a dozen, right? Making love is like… is kind of like a symbolic culmination of everything.”
Now that’s titillating professional literature.
Jennifer’s affection was justified. For starters, she liked the way Theodore treated her. “Her therapist experienced genuine feelings of concern and care for Jennifer…. She had told him repeatedly how much she appreciated his acceptance and attunement. Also, she had talked about such personal characteristics as his sense of humor and his beard.”
Theo’s style may have lit the fuse, but those aren’t the real reasons behind Jen’s affection, Buirski and Haglund believed. Jennifer spent a good deal of time engaged in fantasy about Theodore – so much so that she even renounced alcohol in order to “immerse herself more purely in the loving feelings.”
During her fantasies, Jennifer was able to focus on something other than painful thoughts about her own inadequacy, particularly when she fantasized about Theodore loving her in return. (I must be lovable if he loves me, right?) While the authors didn’t explicitly make the connection, I can’t help but wonder if alcohol and love for her therapist functioned similarly: they each gave Jennifer a break from herself.
Initially, Jennifer kept her feelings a secret from Theodore. But as her feelings came to light, she and Theodore were able to explore the function of her fantasies, identify her feelings of self-loathing, and find new and better ways to manage them.
What’s ethics go to do with it?
Why wouldn’t you develop a crush on your therapist, Michelle? You’re sitting across from someone who is cleaned and pressed, on his or her very best behavior, and focused entirely on you. Compare that to the hairy-backed lugs that some of us keep at home – clipping their toenails over the kitchen sink and whining about the in-laws – and carrying a torch for your shrink seems like an obvious diversion. Just know that you’re not seeing the true person behind your therapist.
If your therapist is like Theodore, then discussing your feelings can be very therapeutic. Unfortunately, we’re not all like Theodore. Some therapists, for a variety of unacceptable reasons, take advantage of smitten clients. Somewhere between 20% and 50% of all successful cases against psychologists have been for sexual misconduct. That’s why my liability insurance is so dadgum expensive, and that’s why my mandatory disclosure form contains this line: “In a professional relationship, sexual intimacy is never appropriate and should be reported to the Mental Health Occupations Grievance Board.” Every time a shrink breaks the rules, another lawyer gets his wings.
Don’t let that discourage you, Michelle. Those rule-breakin’ psychologists are a small minority. Bottom line is this: it is not OK for a psychologist to take advantage of your affection. It will not work out well for either of you. But in the right hands, your feelings can probably be used to help you understand a great deal more about yourself. That, we hope, translates into a better life for you.
-IS
References
Bennet, B.E., Bricklin, P.M., Harris, E., et al. (2006). Assessing and Managing Risk in Psychological Practice. Rockville, Maryland: The Trust.
Buirski, P. & Haglund, P. (2001). Making Sense Together. Northvale, New Jersey: Jason Aronson, Inc.
Celenza, A. (2006). The threat of male-to-female erotic transference. Journal of the American Psychoanalytic Association, 54(4), 1207-1231.
i have been seeing a therapist for 16 months I fell in love with everything about her. Shes a very Godly person and so very caring. At first i didnt think she was that attractive but after spending so much time together I felt very attracted to her. We went to a place to visit that i would have stayed at to help me with my problems and she drove her car and i drove mine while we were touring the facility it started to feel like she was my girlfriend and my feelings for her became real stron after that so after about 10 more months i told her i had feelings for her we had another session and i still told her how i felt so when i left instead of giving me a business card she told me to call when i knew my schedule for the next week i had a feeling that was my last session sure enough after i called her and scheduled a session for the next day she called me about 3 hours before and said she couldnt be my therapist.I was devestated to think that we would never have sessions like before to make a long story short ive been very very down and hurt thinking i may never see her again ive been hospitalized for the depression ive felt about this looking back i wish i could have saved the hurt but i wouldnt have missed it for the world. its painful yes but she was really great as a therapist
Hi Hurtbad. This is unethical behavior on the part of your therapist. I’m guessing she is not a licensed psychologist, as it is drilled into us that we are not to simply abandon our patients in this manner, without explanation, without the offer for a termination session, and without offering a plan to continue treatment elsewhere. She has the right to end the therapeutic relationship, but she also has an obligation to end this relationship in as constructive a manner as possible. I’m sorry she behaved that way.
actually she did set me up with another therapist to that i give her credit its just the fact she was more caring than any other therapist ive ever had and for that matter cant think ill ever find a more caring therapist it sort of put this new male therapist behind the eight ball he was recommended by her he was a friend of hers in college so as he says came from the same school of thought its just i feel really horrible about our relationship ending and feel lijke ive felt with so many other females that im a failure and knowing how caring she was that im really a failure also when i was being hospitalized i text ed her and said im going to the emergency room you used to care trying to make her feel bad but it only makes me feel even worse
Well obviously I shouldn’t have jumped to the conclusion that her behavior was unethical – sorry. It does sound like she ended therapy quite abruptly, though, and I’m wondering if she gave you sufficient explanation or an opportunity to discuss how to proceed with the next therapist. I’m glad you recognize that the new therapist is behind the eight ball and I hope you’ll be able to work through that with him, as well as find some closure to the relationship with the previous therapist.
Yea as they say time heals all wounds but this is tough i wish the relationship could have had a different outcome
She was truly a great therapist and person
She wasn’t great , because if she was she would have helped you get through that journey of loving her. By talking to you or you more or less talking to her about your feelings. Been there and working through it,because she is a great professional therapist.
I think if I didn’t tell her I would have had a break down and depression.
I can tell her anything and she is still here. Because, I realize what I feel for her isn’t what she feels for me. But the fact that she cares for me, who have a hard time loving myself. Helps me to hold on to another day. They do love us but in a nurturing or different way. Nothing ever sexual!!!
Her caring helps me to see that if this is just a little of the love God has for us wow!!! She knows I love her but I respect all boudaries. It hurts like hell at times but i know it will get better because she allows me to talk about it. And in talking about it i see in her eyes that she is there to help me get through it.
You can say that you truly loved someone once in your life.
Nice thoughts. Thanks for adding that.
Hi Shawn,
Glad I came across this site and your piece on “I have a crush on my therapist”. I am currently in this situation, and I think I’m pretty confident that I can tie in how I feel about him to the extensive neglect I’ve experienced in childhood. So, my question is, how do I know if it’s the right thing to do to bring up how I feel with my therapist? I really don’t think he’s the take advantage type as there’s been nothing in our sessions that would lead me to believe he would be, but I’m not entirely sure I can trust that he won’t completely reject me and send me elsewhere or abandon me. After a number of years together and the difficulty I’ve had in getting to the much better place I am now, I’m still quite fearful of the prospect of continuing without him should he not be able to deal with my feelings.
Many thanks.
Hi Another Michelle, I wish I could guarantee that he won’t abandon you. None of the psychologists I know would do such a thing, but that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t. I’d like to think that it is very unlikely, and that he would see it as an opportunity to help you work through the old fears of abandonment. I’d love to hear an update about what you decide to do. Shawn
I’ve had a crush on my therapist for some time now. It runs hot and cold. There are times I don’t have these feelings and times where I really do.
I had a session with him today and I can’t get him out of my mind. I’m too afraid to tell him about this. I’m just too embarrassed. But I have a good hold of the situation. I know that it’s transference and it is normal.
I know that I would never want to do anything to make it so we couldn’t have our sessions anymore. He’s been such a great therapist and I don’t want to do anything or say anything to lose him as my therapist. Even if I do have fantasies all the time about making love to him.
See, there I go again.
Wow, I thank you for this article! I have been reading them all night and this one just makes the most sense. I would love if you could give some input for me. My therapist is young and fairly handsome. But weirdly enough I just recently started having a crush on him. I am eighteen years old and I have been in therapy for a year. The fact that he was young and good looking made me initially uncomfortable when he would ask me to explain past sexual experiences that he knew were traumatizing for me, because it took me back to feeling like men are taking advantage of me, it is hard to explain but it wasn’t his fault. Anyways a couple months ago we started discussing things so difficult for me I basically just cry and grimace as I struggle to talk, and weirdly it has made me fond of him. Maybe because he doesn’t judge me or is kind and can calm me down and even make me smile. Also that he is going through this with me instead of just dumping on me like my other dynamics in my life, as well as the other things you said and more. I feel that I have a fairly good understanding of why I feel this way and why it is not feelings I should consider genuine, as in merits actual romance. So my question is I really don’t want to bring it up to him, I don’t feel like it interferes with our sessions too much and although we probably could explore it I think the embarassment would be too much, do you think it is okay to keep it from my therapist, or is that important to deal with it togetther? I really rather not and thinking about it brings me more distress then the crush by far
Hi Katerina, I guess it really depends on what you are trying to accomplish in therapy and whether or not it’s getting in the way. If you are there, for example, for short-term treatment for anxiety then maybe your feelings don’t really affect things and you have no more need to tell your therapist about them then you would tell your banker about a crush on him. On the other hand, if these feelings are impeding progress or interfering with you getting what you want out of therapy, then maybe it’s best to face the fear and discuss it with him. Good luck. I hope you’ll come back and let me know what happens.
Great article! Thank you for writing this, it helped a great deal with my own situation.
I can’t believe I am writing this but, what the heck.
I am developing a crush on my female therapist. I’m a 43 yr old male and she is about my age. I’m married to a woman who is also a therapist. I’m actually seeing her for sex addiction and all of the problems that revolve around that beast. I’ve been clean for about 12 weeks and seeing her for about 9.
We are doing good work and I am benefitting. My wife and I are doing great. The relationship is strengthened. However, I am finding myself attracted to her. Whether or not there is any attraction for me I have no idea. Obviously, nothing is going to happen. I’m married and I am quite sure she is married. Even if we were not, she seems far too professional and skilled to handle it inappropriately.
Nevertheless, I seem to still keep fantasizing about her and getting a little giddy when I think about her. I thought about bringing all of this up but have not. Now I wonder if I should. I would hate for her to stop our sessions like some people have mentioned here. I’m sure that my interest is not going to sway her but I am feeling immaturely torn as to whether to discuss this with her in therapy.
What are your thoughts?
Hi Mark, here are my thoughts: if she is indeed as skilled as you believe, then discussing this with her could potentially go a long way toward your recovery. If she’s a hack, well then it might be an unpleasant and unproductive experience for you. I hope it goes well. Check back and let me know, if you don’t mind.
Thank you, Shawn. I am mulling this over and will let you know what I decide. I am a little scared to do this but I do see how it brings a lot of my issues right to the forefront of the conversation.
Well, today I talked about my transference issues with my therapist. It was not so bad. She had no problem with it. I was more than a little awkward but she seemed quite comfortable. I didn’t spend too much of the hour on it – which was my hope. I just wanted to lay down the basic concerns I had to get it out on the table, so to speak. I told her that I has first really taken notice of the feeling when I was in session with her and felt like she understood me and what I was saying at the time. I told her I felt loved. I did not go into it too much further but hope to bring it up in session next week.
I feel even more absorbed in my feelings for her as they seem to be giving me a high – not unlike my other addictive behavior. The daydreaming about her is my current addiction. That I will bring up more in next session.
Hi Mark, thanks for the update. I’m glad it was a productive experience. I suspect it will continue to be useful to discuss it with her. Keep us posted, if you don’t mind.
It has actually been very useful already even outside of the therapy office. I have been able to notice patterns in my addictive behavior as I compare this sexual and romantic preoccupation with her to my addiction with pornography and other repetitive behaviors that I have used to produce intensity and distraction. In fact, by really examining this preoccupation with her I was able to identify some heretofore undistinguished cravings. I can really see and feel and experience the need for appreciation and love and intimacy that I am seeking. I discovered this today as I journalled about my addiction to her and I would be a fool not to take this into session with her. I am excited but also nervous. I know part of me actually believes this fantasy about her is real and that scares me.
Sounds like it is working out perfectly. Thanks for the update!
How are you doing now with this? I am just wondering because I am thinking about telling my therapist as well. I also have repetitive behaviors and get completely wrapped up in the thoughts of being with her.
Update: All is well. My therapist was walking to his chair, and I noticed how old he looked from the back. Then he said he had to go to the bathroom and practically ran out the room. After that, my attraction lessened. Basically, I found something unattractive and focused on it. Since my attraction was physical, this made it easier.
Awesome. I think I may end up telling her. Thanks!
Attraction to your shrink isn’t always “transference” or misdirected feelings. If I had met my shrink in any other setting I still would’ve been head over heels for him. He’s hot, man!
Good point!
I will always have feelings for my therapist even though I haven’t seen him for many years. I wish I could of met him in a different setting also… however I did not… and trust God that if we were meant to be I would of met him differently. He is a genuine person and kind man and will remain in my heart forever.
I agree with Cam-my therapist is very attractive, period. He makes me laugh, and sometimes I wonder what is the purpose of what we are doing. I’ve only been going for a couple of months, so maybe he’s trying to get mor background knowledge, I guess? Also, I think we might hang in the same social circles, so I would feel very embarassed to tell him I am attracted to him. Part of me wants to do away with the therapy and just get to know him as a person. Wow, it feelsreally good to finally admit this to someone. My attraction is purely physical, although he did say something to boost my ego. His words were 100% non sexual, and they did not discuss my physical appearance at all. They were strictly words of encouragment and his positive opinion of my character. Still, it felt good to hear his words, especially from him because he seems so confident and direct. I find myself widening the days between our sessions out because I don’t want to get too dependent on seeing him. I also find that my attraction might prevent me from saying some important things that have caused damage to me in the past. Sometimes I think that this is a need for validation, and if I knew he returned those feelings, I would immediately lose interest.
Any thoughts? Sounds like I need to talk to him, huh?
Hi Mary, it sounds like you already know what you want to do. I hope you’ll post again if you talk to him and let us know how it goes.
Hi,
I think I will tell him next week. I realized recently that I have trouble with men, and I need help with those issues. Realizing that has made my embarrassment lessen, bec my issue is not about him, but about issues stemming from my childhood. I am comfortable with that. I will update next week.
I know this is going to sound odd, but i’ve liked my therapist from the first day i went to see her. There was something about her that attracted me to her, and ever since that day I havent been able to get her out of my head, its been almost 2 years now. I brought it up one time in session but we didnt really talk about it because we only had like 5 minutes left and the next time i went to see her i didnt feel comfortable talking about it anymore because i felt like it would be awkward in there when im trying to overcome things that have happened to me. I didnt want to complicate my therapy, so ive been hiding it all this time, and also im bi, and not knowing if she is, is what is hurting so bad. I know she has a boyfriend, but i still never lose hope that someday i could be with her. I know it sounds so crazy for me(an 18 year old) to like my therapist (a 35 year old) but these feelings are real, and they havent gone away one bit. Somebody please help with what i should do
Hi Kelsey, I think the general consensus is that it would probably be useful to talk to her about it. You might be surprised what kind of therapeutic benefit it might have.
You’re right but Im so shy I don’t know how I would tell her. And talking about it would just be embarrassing. Bc she would know how much I like her. And she can’t so anything about it that I would want her to do
Oh I just found this thread and HAD to comment! I have been seeing my shrink for over 2 years, and from the first minute I saw him I was crazy attracted on a physical level. After getting to know him and his sense of humor and his odd little mannerisms, I’m attracted to him intellectually as well. After extensive googling and re-assuring myself that this is normal, I told him last week. I just said, “I know this is normal and I’m sure you’ve experienced this many times before, but I really want to have sex with you and I feel like the only way for me to move on from this is if we talk about it.” And he was great. the first thing he said was, of course, “It’s not going to happen.” Then, we explored the attraction and how it relates to my issues, blah blah blah.
You all MUST tell your therapists. It has happened to them all many times before and they are professionals at handling it well and making you feel comfortable. They won’t abandon you!
And it feels so, so good to let it all out.
So are you getting over the feelings for you?r therapist or are they still there?
I would really appreciate input from anyone who feels they can help.
I have recently completed six months of therapy during which time I have come to terms with a lot of issues and achieved a lot in terms of personal growth and well-being. Now seems like the natural time to leave therapy, I don’t really have much more to discuss, but as you’ve probably guessed I have ‘fallen’ for my therapist in a big way and am therefore resisting the idea of leaving therapy.
I understand the reasons for my feelings and that nothing is going to come of this but I am unsure whether I should deal with this just by leaving therapy and getting over her or by discussing it with her? Or with another therapist? Any advice or experience would be greatly appreciated!
I made myself leave therapy due to a similar situation as yours however I did reveal this to my therapist which took great courage. My feelings were getting in the way of my progress and wanted to grieve the pain asap so I could move on and it is 18 years later and I still care greatly for this individual. He had all the qualities I wanted in a man and I fell deeply in love but there is the ethical issue ofcourse. Please know that you are not alone and as indicated earlier I still think and care about this person and know I will for the rest of my life. He is forever in my heart.
Hey all,
I updated my post on here twice, but my first update I named myself “Lady.” I forgot what name I went by and made up a name. Sorry guys. But the post about seeing my therapist run out the door to go to the bthroom is me. The next update by “Mary” is me also. <> I’m still seeing my therapist, generally 2x’s a month, maybe 3x’s. My feelings have not lessened like I thought they would, even though I tried to find something unattractive and focus on that. I just saw him yesterday afternoon, and we had a good session. I still think I want to admit my attraction. The thing is, I don’t know if my motives are pure. I wonder if I want to admit it so that he would know “the ball is in his court.” Part of me really just wants to put it out there and move on, but like I said, my motives for being honest are not 100% pure. You guys’ thoughts?
Hi Mary, thank you for the update. My thought is, so what if your motives aren’t pure? If I waited for pure motives, I’d never get anything done
Help! I’m a 19 year old girl,i’ve been seeing a male therapist for about 5 visits and i can’t stop thinking about his smile,his care,his affection and how he perfectly understands me,he completes my sentences for me. I think i’m developing transference towards him. I have no idea what to do, i don’t know if i should bring this up or not. I can’t wait to ser him tomorrow it’s like i’m sleeping early just to get up to see him. I feel like the sessions fly by. Please help me i’m so confused,he’s occupied my mind. He’s also in his late 30′s early 40′s so i feel like he just sees me as a little girl and i hate that. I can’t imagine him feeling nothing towards me,i’d be devastated,it’s like i want to die. He makes me cry. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Hi Bunny,
Feelings like these are common; these felings also cause us to hold back from being totally honest about certain topics for fear of the therapist’s judgment or disapproval. Is that what you want in therapy? You are there for growth and progress. Sometimes, expressing these feelings to a therapist can help, because once they are out there, the magic is gone and reality sets in. Also, talking about this with him can help you sort through why you’re attracted to him in the first place. You may discover that it isn’t him you’re attracted to, but the feelings of acknowledgement and/or intimacy that your sessions provide. I’m no therapist, I’m just a patient, but I know that more often than not, this is the case. Having someone all to yourself for a specific amount of time, where you can be heard and not judged is very comforting. But don’t forget you are paying for a service. This is his job. He may be very good at what he does, but it’s still a job. I remind myself on my therapy days that “He is not my boyfriend, he is my therapist.” That reminder usually causes me to *not* wear that lipstick or perfume, and wear flats instead of heels. I have to remember that this is not a date, but a therapy session. Hope this helps.
Hi Mary! Thank you so much i’ll definitely keep that in mind before i see him again.
Hi Bunny, sorry I’m late to weigh in, but will you let us know how it goes? Shawn
Hi shawn,thanks for asking. So i went to him and started it off by asking him to tell me something about him and he said this isn’t about me and that’s what you do with your friends,we’re not having a conversation and omg that felt like a slap on the face to me. I went home crying all night. I cut my chest and left shoulder with sharp scissors. The next time i saw him he very coldly looked at them and i could see his face change expressions from nothing to shock and confusion. I obviously didn’t tell him i did this because of him so then i tried to convince myself that he is not my bf and this is NEVER going to go anywhere & it’s been hard since. Anyways the sessions continued as normal and i just saw him a couple of days ago and for the first time he wad acting soooooo weird, he didn’t write down anything i said-which was shocking for me, he kept on saying things and confronting me about myself and i just wanted to cry and i was meant to see him yesterday but he cancelled the appontment because he said he had “food poisoning” and he rescheduled it for today and just now texted me that he is still “sick” and i can see him tomorrow maybe? i don’t know what to believe anymore, i just feel like he doesn’t like me and doesn’t want to see me & is making up excuses for that or am i just overdoing this? i feel so lost & confused =\ What do you think? Your opinion matters! Thanks!
Bunny,
My immediate reaction to this was anger-at your T of course. He is obviously not well versed in the art of sensitivity. There was nothing wrong with him saying that he was not your friend, because he isn’t. He was setting boundaries. However, to treat you coldly after seeing your cuts is totally inappropriate. If I were you, I would text him back and confirm your appointment tomorrow. Then tomorrow I would tell him that there is something on your mind. I would tell him that you were on the verge of telling him that you were attracted to him bec you realize that your feelings are impeding your progress, and that his immediate reaction hurt your feelings. Share with him about the cutting, and definitely share how his reaction to the cutting really hurt you. Specifically describe how his reaction feels- you said he was cold and began making shallow excuses to avoid sessions. Tell him that. He should know how his reactions affect his clients.
Meanwhile, Bunny, I have a question for you. Is it possible that when you realized that there are no romantic feelings on your T’s part, your view of him changed? Maybe he really does have food poisoning and maybe he was concerned about the cutting, but because you felt rejected, you saw everything through a negative lens? Either way, it is time to share these thoughts with him. Write down what you want to say and be specific. If he’s any good, he will work through them with you; if he stinks, he will take everything personally and act immature. If that’s the case, bye bye Therapist. I am sendng you good thoughts and prayers :0)
Hi mary,What you said makes perfect sense and about your question, i think you are probably right about that because i did feel extremely rejected and that just caused me to behave that way. I’m going to wait for him to get better so that he texts me when i can see him next. I’ll definitely write down everything i want to say and we’ll take it from there. I’ll keep you posted and thanks for asking! ;*
Dear Bunny,
My heart goes out to you. Yes, you are young, yes, you are letting your emotions overpower you, and yes, your therapist is a two-faced d*ck. Many of them are. It’s an occupational hazard, of sorts. My free, unprofessional advice to you is to lose the loser and find a woman therapist. As to the cutting, since it is mostly seen in younger women, and I am an older man, I don’t quite get it. But as you have discovered, there are plenty of people out there ready, willing, and able to hurt you. You MUST protect and care for yourself. The next time you have the urge to do this to yourself, take just a few seconds to pause, and say, “This is not an option. I will not hurt myself.” After the precipitating emotion passes, I think you may feel better about yourself for not doing this. Then, if you think about it in a non-crisis moment, say to yourself, ” I used to do that, but not anymore.”
Hi kirk, Thank you for your advice. The issue though is i’m not comfortable around female therapists-i’ve tried. I always prefer males because for some reason i seem to get everything out of my system. I guess you’re right,he’s not worth me cutting myself for him. I’m starting to think maybe he isn’t right for me and i should find someone else.
Omg! So he cancelled the appointment again and told me that he will see me today. I swear if he does it today i will tell him i’m through with whatever sick game he’s playing.
I’ve been seeing a therapist for 1 1/2 years for a multitude of issues. Childhood rape, drug and alcohol abuse, cutting, depression, anxiety, suicide attempts, and PTSD. My therapist has been very understanding and caring since he has experienced many of the same issues as myself. Last week after a late night group session, I was scheduled to see him for a private session. We ended up having sex. Not making love, just sex. It was one of the most awesome experiences of my life. I was able to just have sex with someone I trusted and was comfortable with. We have discussed what happened between us and agreed it shouldn’t happen again but we both know if the opportunity arises it will. Therefore, all my private sessions are now scheduled during daytime hours. Do I think what happened between us was wrong? Do I regret it? No. Do I think he deserves to lose his license? No. He has helped heal me more than any other therapist I’ve ever seen. And that was before we had sex.
As much as I want to bang my pdoc, I know in my heart of hearts it would be the most egregious breach of honor and professional behavior I can think of. If I were a psychiatrist I’d never even entertain the thought of banging one of my patients. It has the ick feeling of incest, like a caregiver or guardian having sex with someone he/she is meant to guide and raise.
Sandy, would it still be healing for you if your therapist was suddenly no longer attracted to you, or if you found out he was sleeping with another patient?
All that said — you must be a very attractive/sexy woman to be able to seduce your therapist like that. The devil in me is saying, “Lucky you!” haha.
Cam: I believe it would be somewhat detrimental to me if my therapist no longer found me attractive. However, I’m pretty sure I could recover. I have overcome much more on my life. I don’t believe him sleeping with someone else would bother me. It was just sex with no intention of a future. Did I forget to mention he’s married?
This all started in private session when he confided in me that someone sent him a nude picture of me. I became very upset and embarrassed. He comforted me and assured me everything would be fine. He then said he really liked the picture and had wanted to bang me since the first time we met. From there, one thing lead to another.
And no, I do not consider myself to be sexy or seductive. Ha ha!
Hi Sandy, I won’t ask you to divulge his ID, but please tell me this guy is not a licensed psychologist. I realize you don’t believe you were harmed by this, and I don’t want to take that away from you, but his behavior is disturbing, both personally and professionally.
I would never divulge his I’d and of course used a fictitious name for myself. And yes, actually we are both licensed psychologists.
I’m beginning to suspect that you are pulling our collective leg. But if not, best of luck to you both.
Sorry Shawn, there is no leg pulling. Believe it or not, it is not uncommon for a psychologist to seek the services of another psychologist. As a matter of fact, I am also under the care of a psychiatrist. And no, there aren’t any amorous feelings involved in that patient/doctor relationship. Unfortunately, I have suffered many traumatic experiences in my life which lead me to a major depressive disorder. Beginning when I was molested by an elementary school teacher and raped ss a preteen which lead to drug and alcohol abuse and self mutilation. In the last 4 years, I have had several family members murdered, lost a 20 year marriage and watched my sister die from esophageal cancer. I took on the role as one of her primary caregivers and basically had to watch her starve to death because her tumor was so large they couldn’t even place a feeding tube. When she passed away, she weighed less than 70 pounds and wore a childs size 10 clothing. You could see every single bone in her body and her skin sagged over the bones. Shawn, I very much wish I was pulling everyones leg but that’s not the case in this situation. Sometimes psychologists must seek professional help too.
this is funny as i am so glad i found this ! i have a crush on mine and a lot makes sense apart from the amount of eye contact we hold !! she is totally beautiful and we have fun both making each other laugh . but anyway no need to tell her this as she no doubt already knows , i will just sit back and enjoy the way she makes me feel .
Hi all
I am glad to see all these comments, I was starting to think I am insane.
Truth is, I am in love with my therapist or I have a crush on him and this little crush started before I could meet him.
He contacted me by sms about our first appointment, I did not reply and then he phoned me to schedule the appointment. Basically I kept on canceling the appointments but he never gave up on me! My last excuse was, I was moving into a new house and he asked me when is the house warming?, I thought he was sweet.
I finally saw him and he was making funny jokes when I arrived and he made me laugh out loud before the session. During the session he was so sympathetic he actually helped me dealt with my mom’s death. He knew when to listen, when to joke and when to tell me all the things I wanted to here about my situation.
He told me that, he normally just scratch the person off if you don’t come for your appointment but with me, something told him that he must not give up. He told me that I shouldn’t worry about the time he will sit and listen to me for 5 or 6 hours if he has to, he will not dismiss the session until I know that you’re Ok and he said my next appointment will be the last one bcos he wants to spend more time with me, so we will start 3 hours earlier.
This made me realized that I am madly inlove with this man, he listens and he would stay after hours just to talk to me…. He’s very kind and I want to tell him about my feelings but I don’t want to loose him. I know about the transference but I think its love that I’m feeling. I know he would never cross that line but I long for him to say he loves me atleast even if we are not going to touch. He’s all I think about!
Do you think you’ll share this with him?
I meant last one for the day.
Steve,
First let me say “Your Chance to Live!” was hilarious. Love your writing. I was in high school in ’72, but don’t recall seeing this gem. I guess the government didn’t think it was age appropriate for teens; not traumatizing enough for a cohort of risk seeking adolescents, ya know. And I’m impressed you still respond to comments on this post after nearly 5 years. Volumes of literature have been written about romantic/erotic transference, but it seems many mental health professions still find it hard to address the issue when it comes up in therapy. Oops, that sounds kinda like a double entendre. Anyway, one very accessible book on the subject written for clients/patients is “In Session” by Deborah Lott. It was published over a decade ago, and is geared toward women, but IMO it’s held up well and is a worthwhile read.
My first experience with psychotherapy was a disaster of the magnitude they were warning the kiddies about in “Your Chance to Live!” As a result, I’ve researched all manner of shrinky things like romantic transference. I’m one of those folks who was physically attracted to my therapist when we initially met, but I didn’t think it would be an issue. I was well into my thirties and knew attraction usually fades once you know someone better. I had no clue the therapeutic frame would make that difficult, and his austere approach to personal disclosure made matters worse. The attraction was a problem. Unfortunately, his aloofness, lack of attunement, defensiveness, and lapses of empathy proved to be bigger problems. His therapeutic skills definitely weren’t as hot as he was. When I tried to discuss my attraction to him, he briefly referred to “positive” transference and vaguely hinted at “idealization”; frankly the subject sank like a rock. Describing anything about our therapeutic relationship as “positive” would have been a stretch, and alluding to “idealization” was sadly off the mark. My point is, sometimes sexual attraction is just sexual attraction. I’ve worked with a number of therapists since then, and a couple of them have been truly excellent at their job, but I’ve never been attracted to any of them. Hey, Steve, ya lookin’ to get lucky? I’m happy to see most of the commenters here had good experiences discussing this sensitive subject with their therapists.
Look forward to reading more of your posts.
I think what you’re describing is clinically known as “the hots.” Funny how they can fade when personality is uncovered. I suspect most people who crush on their therapists would lose their enthusiasm if they really knew the therapist. Not that therapists are bad people, but it’s easy to make a good impression and present an ideal image one hour at a time.
It has been over three years since my last appointment with a psychiatrist who crossed ethical boundaries with me. I too fell in love with him. I am still trying to recover from the emotional pain caused by this doctor. I have been fortunate and found a wonderful therapist who has worked with many clients who have been in similar situations as I have. She has told me that it is extremely common for patients to fall in love with their therapists but it is NEVER okay for a therapist to act on those feelings. You should speak to your therapist and tell them about your feelings. A good therapist will be able to handle your feelings and help you work through them. If not, you need to find a new therapist. I felt many of the feelings you all have. My therapist told me he loved me and hugged me. I have never felt so safe and cared about before. Unfortunately, although we never had sex,this behavior led to more inappropriate behavior. My doctor after being investigated by the board of medicine resigned his license. We have both suffered serious consequences. He lost his license and I have suffered emotionally. Because of the poor boundaries set by him I have become an extremely difficult patient to work with and it has been hard to find someone willing to deal with my special circumstances. I thought that I was the luckiest person around to have found this extremely selfless and very caring person. I expected all my therapists who tried to treat me after him to be available to me 24/7 including weekends, holidays and vacations just as he was. If they weren’t they were just mean and cold. I am still suffering with abandonment issues. I still have times when I can’t get out of bed. I still cry over the loss I feel. I felt extremely guilty. I blamed myself that he lost his career. It took a year and a half before I finally realized it was not my fault. He was the doctor and he was the one who acted inappropriately. No matter how much you think you love your therapist do not get involved with them. If they say or do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable then it is probably inappropriate behavior. Get out and find a new therapist. As I said it has been over 3 years and I still struggle with the pain. A good therapist will help you deal with your feelings and help you figure out where these feelings are coming from. It is never okay for a therapist to become personally involved with you in any way. A couple of websites to check out are surviving therapist abuse and advocate web. I don’t want anyone to go through the pain I have bee through.
Glad to have found this site. Though it is not that I thought I was the only one that fell head over heals for my therapist. I have been seeing mine for 7 years now. I met him at my husbands death bed when I lost him to cancer. For the past 6 years I think about him night and day. Though he is about 25 years older than I am. I grieve for something that I know can never and will never be. It really hurts my therapy as I would never say anything that made myself look unflattering so to speak. But it is really keeping me from moving on from the loss of my husband and seeking another relationship. Especially when I know that he is single…I just sit and keep myself available for what I wish could be. Anyone know if it is legal after they retire??
Just wish I could shake this man out of my head. I have even tried going close to a year without seeing him…and the feelings stayed just as strong as ever..It is very painful.
Hi nhmom – have you considered talking to him? Given the circumstance of your meeting him, he might have some insight that would help you move on.
I, too, have developed a crush on my therapist which I understand is very normal. I am not one that has crushes – isn’t my thing. Was not attracted to him until we used a great deal of a couple of sessions talking about personal stuff, him and me. Now I can’t get him out of my mind and know this will never be more than a crush. Wish I had met him in other circumstances but then I wouldn’t have had him to help me through some stuff. So, I am just waiting it out and not acting on it. He knows and is flattered in that therapist sort of way but has been professional. I think I like him because he gets me and we talk about stuff (his stuff too) that is more than just patient-therapist. However, it can’t be and that’s kind of sad…. but the good thing? I feel alive again.
Hi there
I have an appointment today with my psychologist and I’m looking forward to it since I haven’t seen him for 2weeks.
Truth is, I have been going through hell since he’s been gone and I needed him so much. I think what I have is not a crush but attachment to him, I feel so attached like I can’t deal with anything
Without him, I cry every night longing to talk to him, this makes me sick because I’m struggling to sleep and I’m not eating well.
I want to tell him today so he can help me through this, all I want is to be able to see him or contact him when I need to talk. I can’t bare the thought of loosing him it would kill me, I’m already dealing with the loss of my mom and he’s been my pillar of strength, he’s just awesome at what he does.
My sister said, if its not affecting my healing then why tell him? I should keep it to myself and not make him feel uncomfortable. I don’t know.
The longing gets worse at times, sometimes I listen to songs that remind me of him its insane, sometimes I’m tempted to phone him and just say I MISS YOU but I have managed to control that feeling.
I am impressed to hear that you resisted your temptation to call him espcially if you are having attachment issues. I too have been there but unfortunately was not strong enough to control my longing. I became so attached that I looked for reasons to call him. I would call him if I even got into an arguement with my daughter. It got to a point where I would talk to him ten times a day. He would always return my call within an hour increasing my dependency on him. With my new therapist I have learned that this is not normal or healthy therapy. I know how difficult it is but try to save the phone calls for emergencies only. A good therapist will not allow too many calls but instead will set boundaries.
I have had all these same feelings as you. I think it is important to discuss these feelings with your psychologist. My new therapist has told me that these feelings are very normal. She told me that everyone falls in love with their therapist. She has also said that good therapists are trained to deal with these feelings. I doubt you telling your therapist will embarrass him. He needs to know especially if it is beginning to affect your sleep etc. He should be able to help you understand about transference.
If you are afraid of embarrassing him or being embarrassed yourself try writing him a letter or sending an email. It has really helped me when I have something difficult to say. So far I have only gotten positive feedback. It breaks the ice and makes it a little easier to talk about it the next time you see them. Good luck.
I am on the early stages of my theraphy and wasn’t aware of the “Transference” issue until I read this letters. My T is so ” hot” and a few years younger than me. She is very easy to talk too and have no qualms of saying sexual terms. To help get me over my sexual tensions. I’m married to my wife that has a long dibilitating illness. I decided to stick it out with her but my personal needs are not met. This makes me so sexually attracted to my T. I have not expressed this feelings because I need her to help me through my psuedo grieving and all the aspect emotionally attached with it. I’m confused when she makes this body movements that is so erotically sexy. (crossing and uncrossing her legs, seating over her folded legs, and seeing her crimson red pedi when she drops one shoe off). I grasp her intellectual competence and respect her great point of views. I have made good strides in understanding my depressive thoughts but I end up so horny when I leave. Again the question is should I bring up the subject of transference with her and risk of loosing a good Therapist?
Erwin, it might be a good idea to discuss these issues with her. If she is competent, she will encourage you to explore them and to work through them. As a psychotherapist, I have had clients experience transference. I encourage them to discuss the issues, but not act on them. As far as losing your therapist, that should not happen. She needs to encourage you to work through these feelings because they can be getting in the way of your personal growth as a client. Does this help? Good luck.
Thankyou Louis for your encouragement to come clean and discuss transference issues with my Therapist. I will meet with her next week and hopefully put away this issue so I can move forward with more compelling problems.
I’m glad I found this thread. I’ve kinda been bouncing this ball alone for a few months now and I was beginning to feel like such a loser (now that I know I’m not alone I feel a lot better about these feelings I have)I’ve been seeing my therapist almost a year now and I definitely have feelings for her.
Like I said, I found her about a year ago. Before her I had been seeing another therapist/psychiatrist combo for ADD. They prescribed me some bufu meds and gave me the kind of attention you’d give a house plant. The meds were useless and my “doctors” were worse so I blew them off (very rude I know, but then again why should I show any more courtesy then they showed me?) then a couple weeks later my insurance sent me to my current doctors (one psych and my therapist).
I was spurred to seek help b/c I was having a real hard time at my job and I was afraid of losing it. I’ve had 2 therapists in the past (school appointed hacks) and I was VERY weary of seeing a therapist. I only wanted the meds but a weekly session was mandatory and my fear of unemployment (and subsequent homelessness and hunger) outweighed my dislike and distrust of Therapists.
Physically, I was attracted to her right off the bat. She’s tall and thin and she has a very pretty face, like Anne Hathaway. I took to her fast (I was 20 at the time, 21 now, hormones and testosterone still raging you know?) but I found myself actually opening up to her during our sessions. With the previous therapists it had always been a matter of telling them what they want to hear so I could get in and out relatively quickly, but now I want the clock to slow down. After the 2nd month of weekly sessions my attraction to her was no longer merely physical. I want to share my thoughts and feelings with this woman and I like to hear what she has to say about them in return. It’s weird to describe how I feel about her. Sexual thoughts are just too dirty but it’s by no means a strictly friendly feeling either. What I feel for her is certainly romantic in nature. It’s like a strong adolescent crush, I’m 15 again and I want to lay on the couch together and watch T.V. or ask her to homecoming or something like that.
She’s very understanding and caring. She listens and helps me deal with the things I tell her about, and honestly, I think if I told her how I feel about her I don’t think she would necessarily rebuke me. She wouldn’t return this little crush I have but she wouldn’t blow me off or send me to another therapist. She’d discuss it with me and help me through it. I don’t know how I’d ever tell her though.
I haven’t been entirely honest with her, not dishonest, just not entirely open about my life. 1st of all I’m a victim of serious sexual abuse from when I was a little kid (3 or 4 up until I was 6) after my parents found out about that they split up and I bounced back and forth between my mom and dad. I showed up to school with 1 too many black eyes and then I went to live with my mom permanently. I had an unimpressive academic career up until my freshman year of Highschool when I was 1st arrested and placed in a juvenile hall. 4 more years of that and graduated from an Adult Education center, I was rejected by the military and ended up back on my moms doorstep and started working in a metal shop making HVAC units for Army vehicles (ha). I’ve never told my therapist about ANY of that shit. It embarrasses me very badly now and I think I’d die if she found out about it. I know she’s there to help me but I don’t want her to see me as a victim or view me as a weak guy. It really is like a teenage crush. (I dislike her husband, whom I’ve never met, I’ve drawn her various pictures ((I’m a very good artist actually)) that she has on her wall ((to my eminent joy)), I bought her a valentines day card ((a very neutral and platonic one)) and I even found an excuse to bring my guitar with me to a session once and play her a song)
I really don’t know how to go about this. Can anybody help me?
I think you need to tell her. When I started having strong feelings for my psychiatrist I was very embarrassed. I wrote him a letter explaining my feelings. It was less awkward for me and gave him a chance to figure out his response. It sounds like you have a good, ethical therapist who will be able to help you understand your feelings. You need to be honest about everything including your abuse. She is not going to think any less of you for what you have been through but she needs to know everything in order to help you. You need to talk to her or your desires will only become stronger and it will affect your treatment. Try writing a letter and handing it to her at the end of the session or email it to her if she allows patients to. This will save the embarrassment of having her read it in front of you. During your next appointment she will probably bring it up in a very caring, non-confrontational way. Good luck.
I quote” you need to talk to her and your desires will only become stronger….” Telling my therapist my feelings for her maybe the gutsy thing to do. I’m totally attracted to my Therapist and scared to loose her but in the world we live in nothing is guaranteed. I may loose a perfectly good therapist in doing so. Can’t wait till the next session.
Jason, your youthful hormones have very little to do with the love you feel for your therapist, in my opinion. I am almost 60, married for 29 years to the same forgiving woman, and have three teenaged kids. I have now been seeing my therapist for about six years. Four years ago I realized that the little “caring” thoughts I was having for her were growing into something more than simply one person caring innocently for another. I started to hint at my feelings for her, but it took me another year to get up the courage to directly tell her that I love her. It was excruciatingly embarrassing! However, she was a true professional, with knowledge of the commonplace occurrence of this experience. She made it as easy as she possibly could for me to continue to tell her about my feelings. It was one of the most freeing experiences I ever had. To be able to tell the person on whom I had feelings of affection, someone who I thought of as totally inappropriate of me to have these feelings, unlike my teenage years, was such a catharsis.
I am kind of “stuck”. My feelings for her are still there, but I understand them a lot more, and the intensity of the pain related to them has subsided.
Relax with the feeling.
Good luck.
I agree. It is a good idea to tell her how you feel. I am a psychotherapist myself and what you are experiencing is transference. During therapy, one shares their intimate feelings and the therapist is often very caring. It is normal to develop these feelings toward a therapist as a result, but a good therapist will maintain professional boundaries. It is unethical to have a romantic relationship with a client. As a matter of fact, the therapist will lose his or her license. However, discussing the feelings and not acting on them is appropriate. Good luck to you.
I recently found myself in the same position and agonised over whether or not I should tell my therapist. So I did a lot of research first. I found the general professional and anecdotal client concensus was that honesty is the best policy and that you should tell your therapist exactly how you feel. If they are worth their salt they will not rebuke or pillory you – if they did you’d be better with a different therapist anyhow. Wheteher love or transference they can utilise it as a portal to gain deeper insight into your psyche and emotions without treading on your toes. That is certainly the experience I have had with my lovely 40 year old female therapist Debra.
I thought I couldn’t tell her directly and didn’t want to tell her by telephone or email so I ‘revealed’ it in my ‘emotions diary’ which she had asked me to keep. Unfortunately, this was on my laptop which got damaged before I could print it out. I’d alraedy made the hard decision to tell her so before out next session, I wrote a brief ‘confession’ on an index card (the sort of flip card teachers and public speakers use as prompts) and at the end of my next session I just told her; there are a couple of things I need to honestly tell you about before I leave. Then I read it verbatim. She did not rebuke me or look at me in horror but merely promissed we would discus it at our next therapy session – and that she did.
I can’t guarantee you’ll have the love returned – most unlikely there’ll be any show of it (even if they love you too) if, like mine, your therapst is a true professional – but you will feel a weight taken off your shoulders and gain a better degree of understanding and aid from your psychologist.
I don’t know where you’re based but in the UK and USA there are codes of practice forbidding therapists and medical professionals having relationships with their patients/clients. These very rules set up to protect us can cause anguish; especially if you, like me, genuinely have fallen in love with your therapist.
Enjoy the journey. It is great being in love, even if that love ultimately is unrequited.
I’m currently getting counselling sessions in the lesbian center, and when I first started, I didn’t really find my councilor to be attractive, not at all !!! then after 2 months of the counselling, I started to get attracted to her, in a very strange way, shes not even my type when it comes to the look, I just started to feel attracted to her.
Shes been my councilor for about 11 months, and I think i’m in love with her.
I think she feels it, because once during a counselling session, she mentions something about her girlfriend, although there was no need in that conversation to mention her girlfriend. I just felt that she wanted me to know she has a girlfriend. And she said several times, that with her clients, she keeps it professional.
How do I get over my feelings? I’m in the process of discovering my sexuality, and she was just amazing to me, acceptable, and supportive.
This is update on how everything turned out since my last post in July. I have been struggling to tell my therapist about my transference for 4 months, this transference thing is weird because I fell in love with my T before I met him.(
We were communicating over the fone and he was trying to convince me to come to therapy as I was scared to see a therapist for the first time)
Anyways,I think we have very deep connection, we click and we have so much in common! He might have crossed some boundaries here and there, one of the incidents is when I was trying to tell him that I’m emotionally attached to him (not in so many words) he just said “Every time I see your name on my diary I get too excited that I’m going to see u” ha ha I liked that.
We worked on my emotional issues and we did spiritual healing as well. We’ve had coffee outside therapy room and this made me realized that this is more that transference since I liked him way before I met him and I liked the guy outside therapy than the therapist.
I also realized that I didn’t need therapy at all but I wanted to see him and talk to him, so we decided to end therapy.
We hugged for the first time on our last day of therapy and I connected to him even more…,
We didn’t speak for a week and he started contacting me and I was excited to hear from him. We are now communicating and I wonder if this is wrong?
I wonder if this is allowed because I haven’t asked him what is it that we are doing, we just communicate and we have a strong bond, we communicate via telepathy as well and I wonder if this is still transference! What I’m feeling for this man is beyond words, maybe in the begging it was transference but now I think its different.
I don’t have the longing to see him anymore but when I think of him I send him messages via telepathy and he responds. We text during office hours as well ( he doesn’t mind at all).
I’m sorry this is long but I just wanted get an opinion from someone else if this is still transference or not
Hi Dineo, whether or not it is transference, it sounds like your therapist has some very sloppy boundaries. There is nothing wrong with him being friendly, as long as it is professional. Having coffee with you outside therapy, texting you, these are things that suggest he is going beyond the therapeutic relationship. I don’t know if he is a psychologist (somehow I doubt it), but he at least owes you the opportunity to make a decision: either you are going to be therapist and client, or you are going to be friends (which is generally inadvisable after the therapeutic relationship). Some mix of the two is almost always a recipe for pain.
I am almost 50 and have been in and out of therapy since the age of 17. I have always respected my male and female therapists but never had any amorous feelings towards any of them…..until now.
I have fallen completely in love with my current female, registered clinical psychologist, Dr Q.I know about transference and it is not that – I am in love with her. I agonised over it for ages and then took the concensus view and admitted my feelings to her. She has been most professional about this and as I too am a registered healthcare professional in the UK, I am fully aware of the neccessary constraints of codes of conduct. However, I am left feeling that we can never fulfill this true love relationship due to the ethical and socially constructed tabboos. If she were my butcher, painter, grocer there would be no issue. The very rules put in place to protect me (and others) are the self same rules which now are harming me.
I know that teachers have married pupils, that doctors have married patients and that other therapists too have married their clients and all have managed to stay registered and in practice. So how did they do it? What legal arguments did they use and are they still applicable in the UK today?
For instance, the very code of conduct book which forbids psychologists having a romantic or sexual relationship with their vlient also says in its first rule that at all times the psychologist must act in the best interst of the patient/client. So, in tandem with my human rights, would that be the basis of an argument that would countermand the forbiddance on the grounds I’d be better served by marrying the woman I love than for ever being rejected because of a rule book. I do not want her to give up her career which she is so good at just to marry me. There has to be a way out of this. Help and advice please!!
Really glad I found this site. Thank you for the information. I have been seeing my psychiatrist for about 5 years. I have always found him to be interesting and attractive. He does not see many clients for sessions, but I am one of them. He has helped me so much and for that I am grateful. I feel so embarrassed by my crush. At times I think he may have a crush on me too as he sometimes turns red while we are talking. I realize these feelings are childish and silly, but they creep up from time to time. We have discussed that it is healthy to have fantasy’s about others while being in relationships at which point I interjected that acting it out is taboo. We are the same age. I don’t feel that this crush is a deterrent to our working relationship, but it is nice to just get it off my chest. Thank you for having this site.
Woe is me.
After initially admitting my feeings of love to my psychologist, she felt we could continue therapy but, when she became aware of how strong my feelings really were she brought her manager to our next session and ended therapy without warning leaving me absolutely stranded. I have had to plea with the manager to see me as she suddenly wanted to discharge me which I felt was unethical and contrary to UK coded of practice for psychologists. I do not blame my original psychologist for being unable to continue as I agree such strong feelings could compromise my care but it was wholly unaceptable for her boss to attempt to discharge me as an ‘inconvenience’.
So now I am without access to a wonderful therapist and the woman I adore. I only hope I can refrain from recoiling into my old self
Hi John, I don’t know what the rules are there, but here in the US it is flatly unethical for a psychologist to abandon a client. That doesn’t mean we cannot put an end to treatment, but we must provide other options and make an effort to see to the continuation of treatment. I hope the manager will help you out. If not, you might approach whatever local governing body oversees ethical problems. So sorry to hear that it went poorly. Keep us updated if you will.
It went terribly!
My pschologist’s boss, Rani, quickly made it clear she had no interest in my care or pre-existent eating disorders and instead spent all the sessions I saw her going on about my feelings towards her employee, Debra. Rani did her utmost to antagonise and nothing to engender the very trust and rapport essential for therapy to be effective. I gained no benefit from subsequent therapy with Rani and was only made to feel worse. She severed my therapy without warning or providing alternative care and this is now the basis of a formal complaint by me against her for negligence and gross misconduct. However, I am now so mirred in depression that I find it difficult to engage in the complaint process.
In losing contact with my first therapist, Debra, I had lost contact with the person I deeply loved and adored and it seems I have developed stress-induced cardiomyopathy (aka Broken Heart Syndrome) as a result; this I would probably have got over in time as I would not be the first person to experience unrequited love (which I can only presume as Debra naturally did not tell me her feelings towards me) but the matter was prolonged by Rani’s approach of constantly focussing on Debra. Isn’t the whole point of psychotherapy supposed to be focus on the patient? What is hardest to get over is losing Debra as the best therapist I have ever had. Professionally she lead me out of despair and back on the road of recapturing and taking control of my life. I continued to do this after stopping seeing Debra but once I started seeing Rani it fell by the wayside and she plunged me into the deepest depths of dark depression I have ever experienced; to the point where I just wanted to kill myself. Thankfully, my GP and friends helped to get me through this.
I was never dellusional; although I loved Debra I never proposed that she loved me. But during the course of treatment she had assured me that I could tell her absolutely anything as that was what she was there for. Her boss, Rani, never told me why Debra had to cease my treatment but I got the impression it was that Rani considered me an ‘inconvenience’ that needed brushing under the metaphorical carpet less it stained the reputation of her empire. I was made to feel a ‘problem’. If it were a case that Debra in any way felt uncomfortable seeing me because of my affections then I could understand that. It would not be right for her to treat me if she was not herself feeling easy during therapy sessions. But I was not told.
Seven months on, I still love Debra and probabaly always will. But it does not intefere with my daily life and is now at the back of my mind. Infact, I was recently invited to make a short film about my feelings for Debra by students at her former alma mater, the University of Central Lancashire. Though aprehensive I thoroughly enjoyed the experience and it was a tremendous help being able to talk it through without being judged (it will soon be on youtube.com). Debra was invited to take part separately but the 5 Boroughs Partnership NHS Foundation Trust’s PR department declined.
So I can get over unrequited love. However, losing the best therapist I ever had has profoundly affected me. I have lost the will to live.
I am myself a registered health practioner bound by a code of conduct so I fully understand the two-way ethics of not getting involved with a current therapist or carer. However, after a certain period after therapy has ended the there seems no reason why this should not happen – forbidding it would indeed be in contravention of right of association and of the articles of the UK and European Human Rights legislation which would override the codes of conduct of professional bodies in such matters. Indeed only a couple of months ago the General Medical Council announced it was dropping it’s ban on practitioners having relationships with former patients (http://www.pulsetoday.co.uk/practice-business/practice-topics/regulation/gmc-relaxes-guidance-on-sex-with-ex-patients/20002411.article).
Maybe Debra and I may have our day!
Sorry, John. Wish it had gone better. Clearly not a very helpful response from them.
I’ve been in therapy for almost 2decades. The reason for the long period maybe is due to my ever changing of therapist/medical officers/consultants as they work in team. I was lucky one day i stumbled upon yet another therapist-to-be who is caring and dedicated to his work enough to to make sure my every next appointment will be him continue seeing me without letting me to be tossing around in the team of doctors. I never really mind actually as i always think it’s always the meds that control my moods and getting everything under control. But after seeing him, i in the first time ever felt that, wow…talking does help. I have social phobe too and all those years before of ‘therapy’ were just merely 15minutes tops as i never really open up.He knew that i’m uncomfy with talking face to face so we do emails, he will send links that helps me understand more about my illness, but sometimes i do rant and getting carried away in mails.
Then he left the service, to further his training/studies in another place(which is a requirement). I understand very much that he’s not abandoning me, he also make sure i was refer to another real consultant (female), making sure i won’t be back seeing tons of diff T/pdoc again.
The new doc, was caring soft-spoken too, somehow i scared i might break her anytime. I didn’t sync with her, i’m back to my quiet self and just continue with my medications, along that period he was concern send me emails, asking for updates asking about how m i doing and even discuss with the current doc about changing my medication.
One day out of the blue (after few years), he mailed me ask if i want to follow up again with him (as he’s back into the service in another hospital). I was reluctant at first thought i don wanna ignite back the transference feelings thingy again. But i give in the end, it’s silly as i’m still thinking about him all the time.
Now back to his clinic, thou the visit were not frequent, i admit with the positive therapeutic bond, i did progress abit, i start to talk and share more about anything. I can see he;s somewhat abit happy when i start to open up more, but Sometimes i can’t help but feeling he’s getting annoyed and impatient with my never-ending issues and my slowness in opening up.His tone is different and somewhat sound abit like fed-up or angry like saying something “i have given u enough suggestion, but it’s up to you to make up your mind”. Well he’s not looking at the watch, but he will stop me if i talk too much, as he will always have a room full of patients waiting, he will carefully never exceed the time, maybe like 50minutes for each patients? It’s somewhat a free clinic anyway so after each session i will mail him to thank him for seeing me. Is this inappropriate and unnecessary? I do wish to talk to him about my feelings, but i scared it will ruin everything as i don’t wanna lost a good therapist.
The therapist sounds a bit overworked and burned out. Nevertheless, I think it is usually useful to discuss these things with a therapist (it’s only un-useful when the therapist doesn’t know how to handle it).
Hello, I am also greatful for coming across this site. Yes I have developed feelings for my psychologist. It is a female as am i. I found her beautiful immediately. I was in a relationship at the time so i was confident that would be enough distraction to me. After breaking up with my ex i kinda knew i was in trouble. I have had experience with transference in the past, with friends, co-workers, professors. It has been pretty difficult building relationships. If I knew more about the ethic boundaries even though they seem like common sense, maybe i would have discontinued therapy sooner. I guess that wouldnt have made a difference either. I have found myself feeling sad about it, indulging in fantasies. Lately more than ever I crave her and know her to be the most attractive woman around me at the moment. I never have connected with a therapist on this level. My question is, after therapy, is it ok to have an intimate relationship with your therapist? In the US, after discontinuing therapy could a therapist lose their license for having a relationship with a former client?
Hi Wendy – yes, it is generally unethical for a therapist to have a relationship with a former client. The APA (last I knew) gives the general guideline that two years should lapse post-treatment, and even then it should be avoided. On the other hand, I have heard reasonably compelling cases to the contrary. Say, for example, you see a psychologist only one time for advice on dealing with an elderly parent. Does that mean you should never be able to date? Seems extreme. But those aren’t the cases that raise cause concern. The reason for the ethical boundaries is to protect patients from unscrupulous therapists or terribly one-sided relationships (e.g., therapist knows a great deal about you, but you know virtually nothing about her). Short answer: yes, technically a psychologist could lose her license for dating a former client.
Thank you for the reply. I know I cant continue seeing my therapist because I am very attracted to her. I have been seeing her for a year now and it seems we are going around in circles because i am still not breaking old patterns, including emotional transition. I could tell you more details of the fantasy’s I have of her, than I could tell you what we actually talk about in therapy because I just love looking at her and talking to her. See is a peer so I find this even more fascinating since we are so different from eachother. Lol have I proven how wrapped up in fantasy I am here. Unfortunately all fictitious.
I’m so grateful I found this blog – I’ve been seeing my male Jungian psychotherapist for almost a year now, and have gradually developed an attraction to him since late this Spring. I’ve been in therapy of/off for almost 20 years (I am in my late 30′s), with issues of depression, addiction, social anxiety, and underemployment. He’s essentially ‘everything I’ve ever wanted in a man’: brilliant, well-accomplished in his field, half-European, tall, sophisticated, cultured, sensitive, very caring, concerned, emotional, extroverted, and there’s just…a certain “energy” between us that has always existed. I fully realize, as a former MFT candidate, the strict rules/regulations associated with being a therapist, and that he would never “act on it” – never mind the fact that he’s “married.” The fact is, I’ve had these feelings for *months now,* and I just recently, in a subtle way, revealed them to him, and as a rather shy woman, it was *extremely* difficult for me when he asked, “how do you REALLY FEEL about me, Jennifer??” As others have said, I just said, “I….really don’t think it’s *necessary* for me to *fully express* (that I’ve fallen in love with him/think he’s ‘sexy’/or whatever – who cares…it will never come to “fruition,” so in my mind, it doesn’t MATTER – the way that I “feel” about you, DrX.) My former therapist told me that it’s ‘proper’ that I acknowledge that these feelings exist simply so they can be acknowledged, hopefully he will accept them, and we can then move on with therapy. I don’t mean to sound unexpressive/unemotional or anything, I just simply do NOT see how it helps therapy whatsoever to “express ‘love’ ” (that’s just going to be rejected in the end anyway) for a therapist,” in an *extremely explicit* manner, when there is the distinct possibility, as others have expressed, that the therapist will simply reject you in the end/refer you elsewhere. I’m very scared at the moment as I do not know what’s going to happen, obviously. I feel that these ‘romantic feelings’ are a hindrance to further progress in my therapy, when I simply want to move ON, and achieve a healthy, NORMAL relationship that it my OWN, etc. I feel like this ‘transference’ has simply been a huge interference in my life for many months now, it keeps me feeling “stuck” in my current situation as everything he says/does just seems to frustrate the heck out of me, and I so…. want to move ON with my life. I’ve been so frustrated as of late that I’ve considered quitting/moving on with a *female* therapist only. Constructive comments welcomed. Thank you.
Hi I can totally relate to you at the moment. Obviously we have to face the facts. It is a fantasy only. It is completely inappropriate. If the attraction and feelings will not go away I would definitly find a new therapist. We are seeing them as we want to see them. I can only imagine how many of my therapists clients are struggling with this same problem. This is no doubt a very attractive woman (my therapist). I do like my therapist but I think i may have to move on myself because I hate this torture. I plan on seeking someone i will unlikely find myself vulnerable to building an attraction with. Then talk to that therapist about the embarrassing transference issue.
Hi, could someone tell me to do, I have been in therapy for a year now, my therapist is a female, so am I, shes helping me get over me struggling with me being a lesbian, I didnt accept my sexuality and she helps me with that, shes also a lesbian.
After two months of counselling, I started to have feelings for her . Now i find her to be the most attractive woman on earth! I think i’m in love with her. I kind of felt that she feels it, because for no reason she would say, I dont get involved with clients, or that she doesnt become friends with clients, and so on.
I don’t know what to do. I think of her all the time! I would be out on a date with a girl, but still thinking of m therapist, which made it impossible to date anyone at the moment because nothing works!
could someone tell me what to do ! i’m 24 years old, and i have no experience in relationships, please don’t tell me to tell her about my crush, because i dont want to loose her as a therapist.
Thanks
Hi, could someone tell me to do, I have been in therapy for a year now, my therapist is a female, so am I, shes helping me get over me struggling with me being a lesbian, I didnt accept my sexuality and she helps me with that, shes also a lesbian.
After two months of counselling, I started to have feelings for her . Now i find her to be the most attractive woman on earth! I think i’m in love with her. I kind of felt that she feels it, because for no reason she would say, I dont get involved with clients, or that she doesnt become friends with clients, and so on.
I don’t know what to do. I think of her all the time! I would be out on a date with a girl, but still thinking of m therapist, which made it impossible to date anyone at the moment because nothing works!
could someone tell me what to do ! i’m 24 years old, and i have no experience in relationships, please don’t tell me to tell her about my crush, because i dont want to loose her as a therapist.Thanks
I’ve been looking everywhere to see if I can find anything on a twist on this scenerio: when you (a female, in my case) don’t have any sort of transference to a psychiatrist (who is not the actual therapist but just providing 10-45 minute medication checks), but he is narcissistic and perhaps inexperienced enough to be convinced–without any supporting evidence–that you are “attached” to him, must miss him and feel abandoned by him when he is away, etc.
Hi Dora, I would say the same general advice applies: talk to him about it. Maybe HE’s the one with the little crush. It’s been known to happen.
I never knew what the counseling process could be like. I went for grief counseling for my sister who died. I’ve never been to counseling of any sort before this time. It took me some time to make the call but finally did so. I was placed with a male social worker a few years older than myself. I wonder now about this pairing between male and female. Time (around a year) and a strong rapport built a connection for me, and I can only speculate if for him. I’ll never know. I was his whole world when I was in session. I never experienced an event like this in my life. He sometimes cried when I cried and laughed when I laughed. He was genuinely fully attentive and concerned. I started to realize the process though but too late. I read a lot about the client-social worker interaction and the guidelines through working at ending the therapy process. I can’t believe the suffering at leaving this interaction. My connection to him can’t be directly defined but just that there’s a bond to him that is causing me great pain. I mean that the sessions ending are causing me sorrow. I never want to deter anyone from reaching out and getting help because counseling does have its place. However, in my situation, I can’t grasp the finality of the situation. I’m really having a hard time. I wonder at this type of work and can’t fully understand if this is for all people. It’s like leaving your good friend who wasn’t your good friend at all. Of course, I knew that he wasn’t my friend, and he’s never going to be my friend. I almost need help now to get over the connection to him. It’s a terrible feeling and very painful with real tears. I wish I would’ve been told this risk. I understand now when I read about others experiences. I had to experience it myself before I could really feel for those suffering the same thing. The normal human process is somehow blocked in this type of interaction. Too difficult. I never would’ve went. I did discuss it with him but it didn’t solve the leaving. Again, I don’t deter anyone from going if they need it. I didn’t know that I could become one of the many that I read about trying to understand what happened to them in an office going for help. I’m sad, very sad. I’m sorry to all those suffering the same thing. I understand. Truly.
Haha!! Not alone then! But kinda gutted it’s so common that therapists will be fully aware and that will lessen my chances with Dr P. I’m not so sure I fit in with the category of this transference thing. I’ve only seen my therapist a few times, and it’s all very to the point, not long drawn out chats, it’s really just to monitor me and issue my meds. The first time I met him I thought holy f&&k! Definitely my type, older and educated and a very cheeky grin. I’m not so sure I want him to care for me or any of the stuff I didn’t get in childhood, what I want him to do cannot be written here, it wouldn’t involve talking thats for sure. It’s not love, just pure intense lust. I reckon if you feel that they must pick up on it?! He knew something was up when he took my BP and my heart rate was 120! I’ll keep this one for fantasy unless there is an indication from him… (God please let their be!) haha!!
This is a helpful collection of thoughts. I’d like to add my story:
I have only met this counselor two times but I’m already thinking about him so much that it’s a bit distracting. I liked him at first sight, when he opened the door to his office. We clicked like I have never clicked with a counselor, therapist or the like. After the first session I was all elated and had emotions all over the place. Every other day I wrote in my diary how I longed to see him again for the second session, which was two weeks later. After that I had the same feelings, but also sadness and fear because I was not to see him again. Sadness because I like him and feel good in his presence and get this emotional high afterwards. Fear because I was to be left hanging and I don’t know what will happen, if I will be accepted to get help, how long it will take etc. I trusted him and he “abandoned” me, which was the plan, but still.
I think for me it’s a magical fairy dust mix between regular attraction and transference. I liked him at first sight – a good-looking man with this aura of trustworthiness. I felt safe and at ease, seen, heard and accepted during the sessions. After having had a childhood with an emotionally unavailable father who avoided my gaze when I was a baby, followed by a bunch of emotional and sexual abuse at age 15/16 and 29, followed by a relationship with a depressed and emotionally unavailable partner who would always avoid eye contact and who could never be there for me, it was just heavenly to sit in front of this man who felt completely safe and good and present. It was so healing when he held my gaze for a long, long time without letting it go.
In this counselor I saw/projected my ideal partner. Safe, trustworthy, attentive, sweet, caring and on my wavelength (his role as therapist, of course). I can’t help but wonder what he felt about me. During the second session he asked how I had felt about the first session. I told him I had felt elated, overwhelmed by emotion, but it was good. He told me he had also been moved by our meeting – by me as a person and hearing my story; that it had been on his mind. Does that mean he likes me? That I fascinate him? As a client? A human being? A woman?
He said he wouldn’t recommend himself as my therapist because he thought I needed stability more than anything and deemed himself not stable enough for me. Because he’s attracted to me?
And what about that long, wonderful gaze? Didn’t I see something there? Did I imagine it? Do counselors and therapists do that long gazing thing often anyway?
I can’t stop thinking like that and fantasize and I kind of hope I’ll run into him at the supermarket or out jogging, but at the same time maybe not. My dream scenario is to get this therapy and then run into him in 6 months or a year or so and be back to my good self with that bright light shining from within and I’ll be irresistible to him…
But of course that’s just dreaming anyway. He’s married. But oh so lovely..
I am a seventeen year old female who is questioning weather or not what I am feeling for my therapist is transference or not. Ellen (or Dr. -) is a very compassionate, tender therapist. She is, I would say, in her late thirties/ early forties. She is married. I am begining to wonder if our relationship is completely normal. A few months back, I had a complete mental breakdown in her office, I was crying, cursing, trembling, threatening to commit suicide. I was a complete emotional mess. What surprises me the most is her reaction. She coddled me. Physically, and not just mentally. She held me to her, stroked my hair and said things like: “Hush now, it’s going to be alright.” and “I’m here. You can tell me anything.” At the moment I wasn’t concerned about the whole ordeal, but after doing some reaserch on transference, I’m not quite sure what to do. We’ve met a lot since then and she always greets me with: “There’s my girl!” I don’t know much about her, and I am questioning weather or not its an overload on her motherly instincts or what. I adore her and can’t imagine my life without her- no matter how little I do get to see her.
Please Help!
Katlynn
Is it a normal therapeutic relationship? No, not from what you describe. Think of it this way: if your therapist were a man, would it be acceptable for him to hold you, stroke your hair, and greet you with “there’s my girl!” Of course not. He could (and should) lose his license. It is no more acceptable for a female clinician to approach you that way. Something inside of you is telling you this isn’t right. You should listen to that little voice. That little voice is your friend. If you are not willing to leave her, I hope the therapeutic relationship is strong enough, and she is professional enough, for you to talk to her about it. At the very least, this could be a good exercise for you in maintaining good boundaries with people. I’m sorry she has put you in this position. Let us know how it goes, if you’re of a mind to do so.
I won’t bore everyone with my story of what and how I said things to my therapist, but it’s both relieving and terrifying to see all these comments. I am worried my therapist is going to drop me even though they said they wouldn’t. I’m worried it’s just a delay to figure out how to deal with me since I’m an emotionally-volatile person with frequent flyer miles in hospitals and extended stay psych centers.
Its relieving to know that I’m not the only one worried about abandonment.