Our little girl is about to turn five years old. It is true, what they say about the brevity of childhood. I think that children bring an acute awareness of life’s transience. Before our energetic and precocious daughter came into our lives, each day was very much like the next. There were few extraordinary events to mark the passage of time.
Now each day shows us how quickly things change, and how consistently life asks us to surrender precious things. Gone are the days when I could spoon-feed her or cause fits of laughter simply by tossing her in the air.
Well, that’s not true. She still laughs when I toss her around, but she has grown and it’s harder than it used to be. I hope she doesn’t expect that when she’s fifteen.
Five years is a milestone. School is in full swing, she folds her own clothes, and she’s halfway to the double digits. It’s a good time to take inventory of the lessons she has taught me. She has helped me with practical matters like hide-and-seek strategy (see photo at right), and she has set forth a number of useful lessons on important topics like these…
- Relationships: “I’m leaving you! But only if you come with me.”
- Existence: “Do you know what’s really not fun? Being a human. I wish I was an oviraptor.”
- Playing a trumpet: “You just put your lips in it, push all kinds of buttons, and you’re doing it!”
- Biology: “My right hand is called Mr. Grabby and my left hand is called Mr. Holdy.”
- The little joys in life: “A playground? Next to a lake!? WOW!”
I can’t compete with wisdom like that, but I can share what I’ve learned along the way. In no particular order, here are five lessons my daughter has taught me about fatherhood:
1: Fatigue Is Hard on Bodies, Minds, and Relationships
We are an active family, and it’s tempting to make sleep a low priority. We try to ensure that our daughter gets sufficient rest. Really, we do. But time sometimes escapes us. When fatigue builds up over the course of a few days, kidlets become short-tempered, unfocused, unhappy, and generally unpleasant to be around. Maybe this is Mother Nature’s way of persuading parents to put the kid to bed already.
Fathers also need sufficient sleep. Fatigued dads become short-tempered, unfocused, unhappy, and generally unpleasant to be around. Mother Nature is certainly consistent.
It’s probably an obvious point, but fatigue is hard on bodies, minds, relationships. Unfortunately, by it’s very nature, fatigue dulls the wits and blinds us to its effects. It’s an insidious foe. Despite my years of fancy book learnin’, keeping it at bay still takes conscious effort.
2: Distraction Is a Sublime Art
While I have made plenty of mistakes, one thing I have done well is to capitalize on the mystical, magical, fabulously fantastical powers of distraction. Wielded effectively and sparingly, this tool can avert conflict and increase productivity. (Every dad is part CEO.) Let’s look at an example, starting with the wrong way to handle a common situation:
Daughter: “I don’t want to brush my teeth tonight.”
Father: “I know, but you have to do it anyway.”
Daughter: “But we always, always, always brush teeth. I don’t want to!”
Father: “I didn’t ask if you wanted to. Now march into that bathroom, young lady!”
Daughter: (Tears forming) “But I don’t want to!”
…And so on. Dad has stepped into a trap. Now here’s the same situation with the magic of distraction:
Daughter: “I don’t want to brush my teeth tonight.”
Father: “I know. Hey, remember that time I was brushing my teeth and drooled toothpaste on the front of my shirt?”
Daughter: “YEAH! Ha ha ha!”
Father: “I looked like a crazy dog!” (Starts walking toward the bathroom.)
Daughter: “HA HA! You looked like a wackadoo crazy dog!” (Following him into the bathroom.)
If all goes to plan, she will gladly brush her her teeth while focusing on something more pleasant. The downside to this strategy is that she will one day use it on me:
Daughter: “Dad, it’s time to get your new dentures.”
Old dad: “Why? I’ve had this set for 15 year and I ain’t starved yet!”
Daughter: “Hey dad, remember my first ride on a roller coaster?” (Starts walking toward the car.)
Old dad: “Yeah, heh heh. You didn’t know which way was up afterward.” (Following her to the car.)
3: How to Dampen Electronic Speakers on Plastic Toys
Here’s a practical tip that every father should know: a bit of sticky tape will significantly dampen the loud, tinny, electronic speakers found on many plastic toys. You can cover the speaker holes partially or entirely to control the volume. If that fails, your local thrift store will gladly take the toy off your hands in order to preserve your sanity. Everybody is happier when daddy isn’t feeling demented because his ears are bleeding.
4: Have a Plan, and Be a United Front
Every now and then, our little princess decides to test-drive her bad manners for a day or two. For no apparent reason, she becomes surly, snappish, and demanding. These phases are perfectly normal.
Her mother and I respond to impudence simply by giving her a brief time-out, followed by the opportunity to repackage her message into a less turd-like presentation. We hope to teach her that people won’t associate with her if she acts like a jerk. We don’t battle with her or vie for dominance, we simply refuse to participate in discourtesy.
The result? People routinely compliment her etiquette. Every kid loves compliments, and she is learning how to get what she needs without alienating people.
I think this works because her mother and I are consistent. For the most part, our daughter gets the same responses from each of us because we routinely confer on the best way to respond to her. (She hates that we do that, and has even asked us to stop. Sorry, Kiddo.)
Sometimes her mother and I fail to communicate and we find ourselves with different goals – but only until we recognize the problem and realign ourselves. I can see how parents end up battling each other rather than focusing on the mutual task of raising a civilized human being. Remember, your spouse or partner is not your opponent. The child is your opponent.
(Kidding.) (Mostly.)
5: Give Away Responsibility
As an overly protective father, it is tempting to micromanage my daughter’s behavior. Of course, that’s about as unproductive as struggling against quicksand. The more I try to control her, the more she will resist. If I’m not careful, she will consider me her avowed enemy before she’s sixteen.
I grasp this point academically, but still I must work to restrain myself. For example, she started kindergarten this year, and several weeks into the school year I noticed a destructive pattern. She and I were battling each morning about punctuality. The harder I tried to get her out the door on time, the slower she would go. It was becoming a contest of wills. That is not the kind of relationship I want with my daughter.
My brain eventually began to function correctly on the matter. I realized that I was concerned about her punctuality, and she was not. That’s entirely backward. What do I care if she’s late? I’m not the one who will pay the price for her tardiness or reap the rewards of timeliness. I was making both of us crazy and depriving her of consequences that she needs to experience in order to learn about the world.
So I stopped fighting the battle. We explained to her the benefits of time management and taught her how to be mindful of the clock. She would be responsible for getting out the door on time.
It’s no surprise that our good kid rose to the occasion. With only two exceptions, she has been on time. She paid a small price for her tardiness, and reaped a large reward for punctuality. She’s now a little more independent, and our mornings are much more pleasant.
I think that one of the tasks of parenting is helping children make mistakes at the right time. Kindergarten is the perfect place to learn about time management. Mistakes are cheap at her age. She cannot get fired or expelled. For now, the only cost of tardiness is a few minutes subtracted from recess.
My task is more difficult than hers. I need to relinquish control at the right time and place. It might be easier to simply lord over her every move, but that’s not my job.
Love Means Letting Go… But Not Yet
One day, out of the blue, our little angel channeled Lauren Bacall. “You know how to whistle, don’t you? You just put your lips together and PHPHPHPTTT!”
It’s beautiful that children have no idea how much they don’t know about the world, yet they are never without an explanation for things. For instance, did you know that cavity-causing germs have a name? According to our daughter, it’s Bob Troubleman.
Here’s another of her lessons: “It’s not so smart to dye your hair green, but if you dye up your whole self green you could hide in the grass to escape from predators like tyrannosaurus rex.”
It’s sad to think of her outgrowing such innocence and whimsy. I mourned the day she started saying “yellow” instead of “laddow.” But with each passing stage comes something new and equally exciting – provided I’m willing to relinquish control and grow along with her. Hopefully, I’ll learn a few more things in the next five years.
For now, I still get to be her protective father, and I’ll try to be smart about it. Luckily, some things are no-brainers, like the time I was using the circular saw and she announced with an eager smile, “my turn!”
Not just yet, Sweetheart.
-IS
Book update! The Kindle edition of The User’s Guide to the Human Mind is up at Amazon. If you order now, dainty Internet seraphim will deliver it on December 1st. I’ll even autograph the front of your Kindle if you like!
I like this post. I was interested to read what you had to say from your perspective of a parent, but beyond that, it was just really sweet. I am a young(ish) teacher of k-5 in an informal education setting and I have no children of my own. My question is regarding time-out. I have used it in the past with children when I get completely exasperated with them, but I have found that if things are that bad, there’s a pretty damned good chance that they aren’t even going to comply with that. That ends up making me appear even more ineffectual than all the preceding failed attempts at enlisting cooperation combined. So, I do shy away from that already, but I just read “How to Talk so Kids Can Learn” and they essentially liken time-out to an Amish shunning. They say the National Association for the Education of Young Children includes time-out in its list of harmful disciplinary measures. Now I do really like this book. It is certainly a style of teaching that I intend to strive towards, but alas, I make mistakes all the time and I am feeling regretful of having used this technique. In my guilt, I am hoping for additional information from the perspective that it is a sound choice for behavior management.
Hi Stephanie,
There may be a column in this. I’ll research it and get back to you.
Shawn
Hi Stephanie, I was going to write an answer to the question about time-outs, but instead I’ll refer you to this link from a friend:
http://www.seniorcorrespondent.com/articles/2010/10/23/no-time-out-in-the-national-association-for-the-education-of-young-children-naeyc.143342
John Rosemond says it better than I could. Also, we should note that there’s a distinction between using time-outs in the home and in the classroom.
Hmm…
Well, I truly appreciate your consideration of my question and for taking the time to respond. Ultimately, it seems I am more sympathetic to NAEYC’s position. Sometimes you don’t know what you agree with until you know what you don’t agree with.
Hi Stephanie, the NAEYC asserts that time-outs should not be used in the classroom. Do you think they also should not be used in the home or by parents? Why or why not? Shawn
Well, I will clarify first about my specific situation. In a month’s time, I teach about 120 different kids and work with about three or four different classroom teachers. The population of students I work with are from Title I schools and every week, I have at least one, but often a few more students that do not speak English. Additionally, I have come to expect that one or two will have some significant behavioral/developmental issues. I am expected to manage these students in an outdoor environment, but I am never privy to information about their condition. I feel that the conditions of my work are challenging and it is so tempting to say “Oh, it must be parents these days!” Nevertheless, out of this population of students, some groups are impossible, some are manageable, and some are just a dream. The difference is not the children or the parents. How kids behave in school is how their teachers teach them to learn. I am witness to all sorts of teaching styles: The Buddy, The Nag, The Recipient of the Presidential Teaching Award, etc. The teachers I observe using time-out are typically nice people, but very busy. They are having to work hard at managing the class. On the extremely bad side, I have witnessed a teacher yell at the (10 y/o) kids, “If anybody so much as farts wrong, you are all going back to the bus!” and then she lamented an inability to spank students. On the inspirational side, I have witnessed masterful teaching in which the children understood respect so well, there was never a need for time-out. The kids–every single one, were engaged and it was the most amazing experience. I want to be that teacher. So, to have concluded that time-out does not feel right to me, it is within this context. I am not a parent, nor do I play one on TV. I am very unqualified to give my opinion, but the book “How to Talk so Kids Can Learn” does suggest a “cool-off corner” where a child has an option of going to when their emotions are too overwhelming. The teacher/parent offers to work through the problem with them right away, but recognizes they might not be able to be social in that very moment. I do like this idea and would try that instead. Anyway, as I said before, I do see that book as a sort of ideal. I am not that teacher yet, but I would put that book on the end of the spectrum that encourages mutual kindness and respect between children and adults. If you are curious, the book I would assign to the very farthest opposite side is “What the Bible says about Child Training”. For example, the author gives advice on the size of the whip for a six month old baby when it squirms during a diaper change. It’s horrific. I encountered it at Goodwill and bought it so nobody else would read it and follow his advice. Now that book is extreme, but his attitude that children are just simmering with evil intent is something I will occasionally see even moderates echo. If I am going to error, and it is guaranteed I will, then I wish to make mistakes from a position of good-natured idealism, taking a precautionary approach to techniques that might cause long term harm. I would like to make deliberate choices in my choice of techniques, rather than just a live-and-learn accumulation of experiences; that was my motivation behind asking you for more information. To put it very lamely, I like the vibe of your relationship with your daughter and wanted to know more about your decision to use time-out. Conversely, I was uncomfortable with your friend’s attitude in his column.
Hi Stephanie,
God bless you for the work you do. I couldn’t do it. I should clarify that the person who wrote the column is not a friend; a friend forwarded the column to me.
Here’s how we use time-outs. First of all, they’re fairly rare. We try hard to use encouragement rather than punitive measures, and encouragement usually works. We usually turn to time-outs when we our daughter is in a destructive pattern of behavior that is only getting worse, or when she does something that endangers her safety and we need to get her attention. Like I said, it’s rare.
When we use time-outs, here’s how we do it: first, we tell her why she is getting a time-out. Next, she has a brief time out in a designated spot. Never more than two or three minutes. Then we sit down with her, on the floor at her level, and discuss the time out. She almost always knows why she got the time out, and if she doesn’t then it gives us a good opportunity to explain and teach. Finally — and this is crucial — we hug, make up, and all is forgiven, never to be spoken of again. If we, the parents, need to apologize for being impatient or responding poorly, then we do so. That also teaches her good relational skills by example.
The last piece is something that I recognize may be difficult in the classroom where there may be a minimal relationship between child and teacher, and the teacher may not fully understand what the student is struggling with.
The reason I think properly-executed time-outs are important for young children (in the home, at least) is that it gives the child a chance to get their own behavior under control in a minimally punitive way. If I force the kid to behave a certain way, or if I simply punish her, then the main coping skills she will learn are how to avoid my wrath and how to dodge responsibility. Time-outs help the child develop emotional and relational skills.
Also, time-outs give the parents a couple of minutes to think about the best response. Parents aren’t always at their best, and time-outs help prevent the development of destructive communication patterns.
That said, time-outs can obviously be used to excess, and they can be used to shame. Those are bad things. Properly executed time-outs are just one of many tools that I think I parent needs to have on hand, and they should be a last resort.
Excellent response! Thank you. Precisely what I was looking for.
I am glad you mentioned it because yes, I am specifically trying to avoid shaming kids. That was what I didn’t like about not-really-your-friend’s column. One of a few things actually. Children can reason.
I came to your site after watching you on Devil’s Advocate. I will be a regular reader.
This is a wonderful post!
Thanks Bob!
Thanks for sharing your experience. It resembles mine so much! My daughter is 6 and I’m still learning stuff about life from her, and I’m still learning things about being a dad.
Thanks Cristi, I’m sure you and I will have it all figured out by the time they’re grown and we’re no longer needed.
Indeed.
I love this post! I have a 9 month old daughter and am a stay at home dad. This is going to be quite useful in the upcoming years. Thank you for not only treating your child with true respect, but also for sharing your experiences. I just stumbled across this site today, but you’ve made me a fan instantly.
Thank you kindly, TIm!