Let’s pretend that your child’s psyche is a container into which you can pour any mix of personality traits you wish. In my imaginary world, you can skip right past the terrible twos and the trying teens. You get to concoct your ideal offspring. Here are a few sample traits to get you started:
- Conscientiousness
- Curiosity
- Empathy
- Generosity
- High Self-Esteem
- Humor
- Initiative
- Kindness
- Perseverance
- Resourcefulness
Which traits are most important? If your top five includes high self-esteem – if you want your pumpkin to possess an enthusiastically favorable impression of himself – then I don’t think I want my kid hanging out with your kid.
It’s nothing personal. It’s just that kids who grow up with too much praise and too much protection from the esteem-busting realities of life are headed for a downfall. Eventually, they will be forced to reconcile an inflated opinion against an anemic reality. Here’s an example…
Last year, I spent several hours interviewing members of the Occupy Wall Street movement for a blog post that I never wrote. Most of the interviewees were in their late teens and early twenties, which means that their childhoods coincided with the everyone-gets-a-trophy self-esteem movement. Two things surprised me about the kids with whom I spoke.
First, it was encouraging to learn that many of them were well-read and thoughtful. Very few resembled the angry, defecating vandals who took center stage on YouTube.
Second, I was struck by their collective sense of entitlement. They seemed quite accustomed to being cared for by benevolent third-parties. They openly stated that food, education, and other amenities should be provided to them free of charge.
I found myself asking pointed questions, as one is apt to do after encountering a public confession so unusual it causes a person to forget his manners. You like haggis? You know it’s a stomach stuffed with the bits we normally feed to stray dogs, right? Were you in a prison camp or something?
I had simply never heard a list of demands announced so dispassionately. People usually appear angry or wounded when reciting the world’s debt to them. Instead, these kids were presenting a simple, objective equation: I was born, therefore I should be gratified.
I pressed some of them to identify who, exactly, should be indentured to fulfill their wants and desires. Some mumbled and stammered as if it were the first time they had considered the question. Others offered the pat answer, “the rich should pay for it, screw the rich.” Lost in a fog of haggis confusion, I questioned them further. You know we’re going to burn through the rich people’s money quickly, right? Who should be forced to take care of you when their money is gone? And what are you offering in return?
That’s when the emotion finally showed up. They didn’t like that type of question. One of the less articulate young men became frustrated and exclaimed, “God dammit, you’re making this more complicated than I see it!”
They seemed like children with very high self-esteem. Clearly I was disturbing a worldview in which they had been the shiny little centers of the universe. They had probably been praised for every BM, until their self-esteem was sky-high and their ability to appraise their real worth to other human beings was severely impaired. Their elders had sent them careening through life possessed of the assumption that they were exceptionally valuable individuals.
The cruel joke of the self-esteem movement is that the world does not cater to that belief. A teacher might give them a gold star for spelling their name correctly, but real-life adults such as bosses and spouses will expect a lot more. Anyone who was consistently issued a trophy for showing up to the game, and consequently had their sense of efficacy lovingly beaten out of them, will be at a loss when the free ride comes to an end and they are expected to contribute something to the world.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want children to feel bad about themselves. I spent the first half of my life loathing myself, and many years after that trying to recoup lost time. Unrealistic self-appraisal can work in a negative direction too, and I certainly don’t want my daughter to endure that. Nor do I want to overcorrect for that possibility, hobbling her with the inability to create actual self-worth.
So what is a parent to do? Rather than teaching self-esteem, I will try to follow my grandfather’s example and give her self-respect.
His take on life was very different from the protestors I met. He supported his family through the Great Depression and the Dust Bowl. When the New Deal was struck, he refused to accept WPA work because he regarded it as busywork that failed to satisfy a real need in the world. His desire to be a respectable person compelled him to reject a handout and instead make his own way.
Self-esteem and self-respect are very different ideas. They are nearly opposites. Self-respect is based on what we see ourselves doing, and the value that we bring to other people; self-esteem can be entirely disconnected from the value we bring to others. It can be gained in front of a mirror. That’s why American students can feel good about their math skills despite being left in the dust by children of other nations.
Like any other child, my daughter will spend a lot of time thinking about herself. I hope she learns that doing good, respectable things is the surest way to earn pride in herself. She will never meet her WPA-rejecting great-grandfather, but she can carry a little bit of him forward.
As for her self-esteem, I will approach it the same way I approach her appendix. If it causes a problem, then we will deal with it. Otherwise, it is to be ignored.
-IS
Some good points about self-esteem there. I especially enjoyed the parts about some of our lobbyists (lol). I’ve come to similar conclusions on the topic of self-esteem myself.
One related concept that I’d highly recommend a look-in Shawn is self-compassion (dot org). Anyone familiar with Buddhism will be right at home with the idea, but basically it’s not based on self-evaluations, it’s always available regardless of external circumstances, and you don’t need to feel better than others to feel good about yourself.
Thanks Leon – I will look into it.
As usual, your post is right to the point, funny AND i agree! Time and time again my children are the ones who show this truth in action. Just last week i asked my kids to gather up any items from their rooms which were no longer needed or wanted so that i could make a trip to the Goodwill store. You might expect to see a broken water gun, a stuffed animal, mismatched socks and a book about mushrooms, and i did, but i also came across two rather large karate trophies! When i asked my daughter why she didn’t want them she explained that both were won in less than competitive situations. For the first trophy they had ended the match due to fear of injury and the second event boasted only two participants in which she was the clear underdog by three belt colors. It wasn’t enough for her just to show up and give it her best shot. The trophies were a reminder to her that the competition didn’t warrant a two foot tall trophy. It wasn’t deserved. SO, finally, Self esteem is not freely given, it is not an inalienable Right it must be earned by the one who wishes to posses it.
Penny – your kids are the best. I will count us as very lucky if ours turns out as good as yours.
One of your best. I enjoyed it………..and your words ring true!
Well said.
The self esteem movement must date a bit earlier than the childhood of now twenty something’s because I very much remember my Mother being upset when I was in grade school over 30 years ago when they decided teachers could no longer use red pens to circle mistakes. And I got a ‘participation’ award in the spelling bee (everyone did) which cracks me up since I’m dyslexic and spelling a word out loud was about as possible as flying like superman for me at that age.
My Mom always taught us your value had nothing to do with how you stack up against others and everything to do with striving to do your best. “Was that your best work” was the response if I got a 65 or a 95.
As the parent of a twenty something what I see as being behind the absolutly maddening sense of entitlement (do you know the song “waiting for the world to change”?) is the helicopter parent style. There are a few styles, the never allow the child to think for themself (so that they never fail) or never allow the child to suffer the natural consequences of their actions or failure to act (if you suspend him my lawyer will call you).
I’ve actually heard people justify asking for special treatment for their child by saying, “Well, he is my child and i just want the best for him,” with no regard for the other child that worked to deserve whatever perk they are demanding. I’d do anything for my child and you should too.
Those parents will not do anything for their child, there is one thing they won’t do. They won’t allow their child to fail. And the sad thing is, I see lots of twenty something’s that are so afraid to fail they never attempt anything that is a stretch.
Notthereyet – I absolutely hate that song “waiting for the world to change.” I’m using the word “hate” here. It has a horrible message. I actually started arguing with the radio the first time I listened to the words. It is a mishmash of some of my least favorite things – entitlement, platitudes, and helplessness. Blech.
Congratulations on overcoming your sense of low self-worth. It is a difficult problem to shrug off. It is something I currently struggle with quite a bit and I know so many others that do too.
Just like how high self-esteem has been attributed as the cause of obnoxious behavior in modern young people, is it possible that self-respect might end up with other negative consequences as well? Could a paralyzing performance anxiety or insipid people-pleasing become the pervasive attitude of the future? The reason I ask is thinking of my own experience, I grew up without any concept of innate self-worth, but through performance, I could gain admiration and I thought I could win love. If I got a poor grade, then I was less lovable. A good grade made me more lovable. I pursued art and music because my parents valued those and were proud of those accomplishments. I didn’t enjoy doing art and I didn’t enjoy creating music. It was drudgery that I nevertheless dedicated myself to in order to create value in the eyes of my parents and instructors.
As soon as I left for college and became independent, I stopped practicing music. Practice never was enjoyable and I experienced terrible performance anxiety. I only performed out of obligation and seeing as how I was now free of that, I quit. As for my art, I kept with it for a few more years until I just couldn’t bring myself to sit down and work on something. The anxiety I feel when I go to start a new piece is terrible. Looking at a blank piece of paper, I think about how if I just don’t start, then I can’t mess up. If I screw up, then I feel like I’ve lost value as a person, even if I don’t show it to anyone. I’ll still know. It is a fear of only being as good as my last project and in this trap, there is no joy.
Contrast that with my love of swimming. My parents do not value sports and in spite of their indifference, I learned to swim and joined the swim team in high school. I sucked. Nearly last in all of my JV competitions, I didn’t even rate much attention from my coaches. I wasn’t worth their time. I was allowed to show up to practice and I loved practicing. I disliked competing very much, but that was the price I was willing to pay in order to be allowed to practice. Throughout my adult life, I have continued to swim and I feel temporary esteem for my body when I swim because it allows me to do something that I love. My swimming holds no value for anybody else. I’m not a lifeguard. I am not going to impress anybody with an Ironman. My pleasure is disproportionate to my ability. It is really my only personal anecdote for self-esteem and so when I consider the problems perceived in other people in society, it motivates me to attribute something else as the cause. A desperate childhood spent working to please others is the reason for my aversion to a new philosophy that relies so heavily on performance.
I don’t really expect my narrative is going to prove persuasive to any degree, but seeing as how I badgered you about writing the article, I wanted to respond. I do realize you are not advocating low self-worth. Seeing as how it wouldn’t be ethical to do a study replicating my parents’ style, it will be difficult to tease out what healthy behaviors in future adults are attributable to less emphasis on esteem and more on respect if parents are going to engage in both, which in practical terms, is how I see your advice being taken.
Hi Stephanie – I haven’t conquered the problem, it still really gets me sometimes. My wife usually notices it before I do. I just try to follow what I wrote about in the book. Notice it, be thankful for it, and move on.
As for self-respect having a negative side, yeah, I think any quality can back fire in the wrong quantity. For example, my grandfather might have been better off had he accepted some amount of WPA work. I don’t know. On balance, though, I would guess that behaving in a self-respecting way is far less likely to backfire than other errors might.
I took a beating for posting this over at Psychology Today. Here’s a follow-up comment I posted over there, if anyone is interested:
——–
“A lot of negative comments, so I’ll just post one blanket response here. Interesting how the comments I’ve received from outside PT are positive. Different crowds with different viewpoints, I suppose.
First off, I hope it’s clear that the title of the post is tongue-in-cheek. Obviously I care about the way my child views herself. That’s the whole point of my post. For me, the sun rises and sets with that kid. I would take a bullet for her.
Of course I want her to feel good about herself, but I want those feelings to be genuine. I don’t want her self-esteem to be some sort of Potemkin village that crumbles under the first gust of wind. It’s important for me, as a parent, to understand that I cannot give her self-esteem. I can only help her learn how to earn it.
To the people who said that I’m conflating issues, I disagree. There is a connection between unduly high self-esteem, helplessness, and entitlement. I see children every day who are given unrealistic appraisals and unrealistic feedback. It can go in both positive and negative directions. Either one is a cruel thing to do to a child because it sets them up for failure
A well-rounded person is able to judge his or her performance and worth to others with some degree of accuracy. I have observed that feeling wonderful about oneself when you really don’t have much to offer is as big a handicap as feeling too critical about oneself. People with unduly high self-esteem suffer socially and professionally. It isn’t fair to do that to a kid. And we’ve been doing it to them for years.
As to to all the other political arguments (healthcare, the WPA, etc.), they’re off topic. I welcome the discussions, but please pardon me if I choose not to participate.
One last thought to the lady who said that self-esteem is more complex for girls. I disagree. Boys, and society’s influence on them, are every bit as complex as girls. Their needs are different, to be sure, but they require and deserve the same level of consideration. Not only do boys suffer when they’re not attended to properly, but society suffers a great deal at the hands of young men whose sense of self is off-kilter.”
If making legislation is like making sausage then making haggis must be like, um, arguing on Psychology Today? Here’s a vegan haggis recipe so we can all just get along: http://bonzaiaphrodite.com/2009/02/recipe-vegan-haggis-with-bashed-neeps-and-tatties/
Shawn – I like this post – thank you. Self-esteem is such a slippery concept. Perhaps like happiness, it should be a consequence of behavior, rather than the goal or the starting point of behavior. Or perhaps it has different roles in an individual versus a social context? I expand on that below.
I suspect that concentrating on self-esteem (and happiness) can throw us back into our mind’s chatter – encouraging us to evaluate and judge even more – in order to reach or justify our self-esteem.
I am new to all of this. I just recently found your website, shortly after discovering ACT, Steven Hayes, Russ Harris, and relational frame theory. I was prepared to accept and embrace the concepts as being very consistent with my previous ideas and epiphanies, but I have been blown away by the logic, rigor and humanity of the material you and the above present. My life has been forever changed.
Further to your post. I am thinking that the self-esteem movement and the positive psychology movements are simply the band-aids that some people have come up with to cover up that pain and angst that our minds produce as a consequence of language – as ACT discusses so brilliantly. I am convinced that the pain we all feel is very real and we need to deal with it.
Band-aids don’t work for such large and existential wounds. As you point out, those band-aids can actually do even more harm themselves. The more I think about your post, the more I appreciate your ideas.
I think it is very interesting that you bring up the Occupy Wall Street movement. I think that movement comes from the same place. These people are thoughtful and are convinced that something is terribly wrong, but they are not sure of what and they certainly do not embrace any solution that could help or work.
I agree with them – the events of the last few years have amply demonstrated that we have a system that doesn’t work the way it should. As a libertarian flirting with anarcho-capitalism, I agree with the occupiers’ initial diagnosis. But as with the self-esteem movement, their ideas for dealing with the problems are more of the same and bound to fail. And unfortunately, their strident demands and misguided protests hurt the very real and important message that there is something terribly wrong with our social structure.
Okay – this is getting a little long, but I did say that I liked your post.
Finally – isn’t the concept of self-esteem or self worth useful and in fact critical when one considers the self alone?
The economic analysis that I am somewhat familiar with – from the Austrian School – often begins with Robinson Crusoe alone on an island. Would it not be critical that he holds the idea of high self-esteem or a high self-worth? And when Friday shows up, Robinson would have to acknowledge Friday’s high personal self-worth? Their lives will be enriched and the chances of their survival will be enormously enhanced by high personal self-esteem.
I would see that as a critical launching point for the two men to embrace their own sense of personal value to allow them to face the challenges of living. It is a necessary first step, but so far from being sufficient. “Okay Friday, we can agree that we are both valuable and special human beings who deserve to live and have or can develop the skills and knowledge to thrive – now how are we going to feed ourselves and build shelter?”
I am wondering that as social creatures, we may too quickly jump into analysis from a social perspective. We are individuals living in a society and from an individual perspective, we must value ourselves as being extremely valuable. But other society members cannot and should not embrace that value automatically or by right? How could we expect them to do that?
Again Shawn, thank you for stimulating my thoughts. I have bought your book and am 1/3 of the way through it. I had the book sampled on my Kindle, but was waiting to read some other ACT books. I came across your great 2 part piece on relational frame theory and found you were the same person as the author of the book and immediately bought it and started reading.
I look forward to more of your posts and perhaps books?
Cheers!
I liked it very much and commented as such on PT. I have spent a great deal of time worrying about my own daughter regarding issues of self esteem. Mostly because she is considered special needs in school. She is high functioning and her IEP is as un-intrusive as possible. But she still has an aid assigned to her in class and she can’t stand it. She hates being viewed as “different” in any way.
I’ve always wondered why I worry so much because frankly she is doing fine. She has several good friends in school and out. Sure she’s been “bullied” a bit, but no more than any other girls in school. It’s the tween years and it just goes with the territory.
They have guidance in the school. Weekly class lessons such as respect, integrity, honesty, kindness. I was a little upset though when she brought home a guidance work sheet that said, “YOU ARE OUT OF THIS WORLD SPECIAL!!” I thought, “Is that so?” Did they go over reasons? Yes. The examples they gave were actions they took that showed they were respectful, honest, kind, etc. So THIS makes you SPECIAL?? I thought it made you a decent human being.
I’m far from a perfect parent, nor have I met any. But I do want to teach my daughter how to have a favorable view of herself for the right reasons.
When she works very hard at something and has a success, we tell her, “You can be very proud of yourself” not “We’re very proud of you” Okay, sometimes we say this too. But we do try to instill a sense of pride in herself for accomplishing something she put effort into doing. That’s something that can’t be taken away from her or is dependent on anything or anyone outside of her.
I really liked the article and so much that I shared it on FB. It got no comments or responses. I don’t think people like discussing it to be honest with you. But I think it needs to be discussed.